Whispers Of False Promises » bangchan [indefinite hiatus]

episode 17: the void

I did not see him for a whole month after that incident. 

Him expressing his utter agony upon being treated terribly, not being loved and cared for the way he should be -- it broke my heart, because a person like Bang Chan was worthy of the universe's greatest love tales and the most heartfelt care there ever was, and will be. He was crestfallen and desolate, as I remembered him being that way as he cried before me, and I could understand that he must have felt overpowered by overwhelming emotions to have shown me his vulnerable side. I had still been just a stranger to him, nothing more, nothing less. Yet, he chose me to comfort him, and that action must have required strength. 

It is easy to cry alone, but it takes guts to be vulnerable before someone else. 

But Stray Kids' comeback schedules were on from the next day onward, and as I could watch him giving interviews on YouTube, he smiled and chuckled and laughed and interacted -- as if nothing had ever gone wrong. 

Bang Chan was unbelievably strong. 

Every idol was meant to be that way, honestly; to appear bright and chirpy before the cameras to not worry their fans, or even spark controversy. Living a life taped on a camera was as tough as there could be, and I was selfishly glad that I was choosing to be a music producer, working behind the scenes. 

And as it came, it happened: their new album dropped, and Only Angel was loved immensely by Stays. I was finally recognized as a rising producer, and with my name and face on the official website of JYP Entertainment, I was thriving. I could not have asked for a steadier start to my career, I realized, as I got three projects as offers to be worked with. 

Yet, today, I got the news I had waited to hear. 

It was when Park Jinyoung PD walked into our studio to talk to us; when he chose me to work on a new project; when we asked him about the project; when he told us about the new solo artist he was planning to debut later this year; when Hee-yeol and Hyeon-ju registered the news before I could and cheered for me; when I got my actual first job. 

As soon as Jinyoung left, Hyeon-ju shut the door with her foot and hooted and squealed, and Hee-yeol exclaimed, "Dude, you're debuting as a music producer! You actually did it!" 

"Kaira! Do you realize how big this news is?!" Hyeon-ju shrieked. 

I was still unable to digest it, "...Eh? I'm... was that real or did I just imagine the last few minutes?" 

The two laughed, and she pulled my cheeks, "You're so cute when you're lost!" 

"Cringe, guys," Hee-yeol grimaced playfully, earning an elbow in the gut from Hyeon-ju. 

"Guys...! I'm going to be a music producer!" I finally smiled fully, registering the news in my head, and launched off my seat, "It's happening! Mom and dad are gonna be so happy!" 

"Tell them! Tell them!" Hyeon-ju encouraged me, and I nodded eagerly, picking up my phone and swiftly walking out of the studio. I dialed up my father's number and waited for him to pick up the call. 

When he did, there came a croaky sound from the other end, "Hello?" 

"Dad! It's me!" 

"Eunji...?" 

My smile wore off. 

"I'm sorry dad, it's Kaira," I tried to sound as cheerful as I could be.

"Oh, I'm sorry, child," he sounded genuinely apologetic, "You two... you used to sound the same on phone." 

"Th-that's okay!" I stammered, feeling a whiplash of the memories from Eunji's funeral come alive in me again, "I had news to tell you, actually." 

"Hm?" 

"I got a job, dad. I am going to be a music producer for an upcoming artist," I tried to smile as brightly as I had a few moments ago. 

I could hear the satisfaction in his voice from miles away, on the phone, when he sighed in relief and spoke, "You've done it, Kaira. You're pursuing your dreams, and I couldn't be more proud of you." 

"This is what Eunji always rooted for, right?" I spoke, a sad smile sitting on my lips, "She wanted me to be happy doing what I wanted to do." 

"And you're making her very happy," dad spoke, and I could hear the crack in his voice, "Wherever she is right now, she's proud of you, too." 

I pursed my lips, sniffling as I felt my throat choking up and my tears beginning to well up in my eyes, "Yes, yes... I miss Eunji so much, dad..." 

"Your mom and I do, too," he said, and I could hear the melancholy in his voice again -- something that I had gotten used to ever since my sister left us, "Your mother still sleeps with her photo frame beside her... she says that she still misses how Eunji used to get scared on new year's eve, when fireworks were going on in the city, and how she used to sleep with her mother for comfort. Such a silly girl!" 

I smiled through my tears, "I remember, when mom wasn't around six years ago for the new year's, and Eunji had held my hand throughout the night, squeezing it whenever a cracker went off..." 

"Hmm..." my dad hummed in remembrance, and I could sense that he was silently crying. 

"Anyways," I wiped my tears, "Tell mom about my job, too, alright? I hope you guys cook your favorite food tonight." 

"Your favorite, Kaira." 

I chuckled, sniffling, "I love you both. Bye." 

I knew that I could never fill up the void that Eunji left in our hearts, but for once, I wanted them to be happy because of me. 

(a/n: i got emotional and almost cried toward the end, and I DONT EVEN HAVE AN OLDER SISTER (im the older one)

but how was thisss? i added a couple of songs to the playlist because i found some good ones, i hope you like em too!! ^^

thanks for reading! i love you!)