Et Nos Cedamus Amori

V.

"Fata viam invenient." -Virgil

Fate will find a way.

Brett was so busy with the conservatory, he forgot about what he would give Eddy for his birthday. He already had it down in his head but practice affected it. So, here he was on the bookstore, looking at the mangas that he could give Eddy.

He grabbed a couple interesting books that Eddy would like. He was looking at a book and he knew he had a copy of it somewhere in their house. He'll make sure to read it later. It seemed interesting so he'll just look for it.

When he got home, he went to his room and wrapped the books he got for Eddy. He went to the bookshelves they had by the room wherein they laid. Brett was looking through sheet music, photo albums, scrapbooks, old school books, encyclopedias, novels and other personal books or journals.

While looking through it, he found a very old hardbound journal. The feel of it seemed so familiar even if he had seen it just this moment. He ran his fingertips over the spine of the journal and felt shivers. Something in him was being urged on to read it.

He opened the book and something in his chest was blooming. All the emotions surging in unfiltered. Brett had no time to process it. So, he sat on the floor, opened the journal. The front page had no name on it whatsoever. He opened it at a random page and started reading.

March 27, 1861

Summer is on its peak and so is his presence around me. Oh, dear Lord, it may not be right in your eyes our love but I beg you. I beg you to let me keep him in my arms until this lifetime of mine passes. If you wish to part us, in the next lifetime, he shall choose me for I will always choose him no matter what world or what life we will have to lead.

For I could only imagine a future with him and only him. I am sorry, God but I hope you would grant me this. For I will do anything just to keep him safe from this world. I am no religious man, but I will utter millions of prayers just to be with him freely.

I worship him, my Lord. It might be a sacrilege but who could blame me? My Lord, you understand why I worship him. Why I praise him as if he was my god. And maybe, maybe he is. I do not care if I am regarded as a sinner, the moment I get to love him, I chose to walk the path of heaven on earth.

His love is heaven and his passion is hell. It might sound too much for the greatest being, but my Lord, oh my Lord, if I cannot ever love him in heaven, then maybe I am better off at hell. My Lord, I just love him too much to let go.

I regard him as my missing piece. I was looking for so long and now that you have graced me with his existence I promise to cherish him. For who am I to deny your blessing? I am just a mere man who longs for love as much as another man would. I love him as he is and I could only love him more.

My beloved, my delights, the man who reminds me of Solomon's Song, he is the only one that I could ever want and need. Maybe, even if I have this love of mine, I could lose him whenever. I will not keep him with me if he does not want me anymore. For I only wish him all the happiness that he could grab and knowing him, he deserves the entire world.

The world might worship under his feet and yet he would not see it. He could only see me for now and I only hope it stays that way. I love him as he is and I only wish to see his face when I wake up in the same bed as his. I am not fond of children but I would only have one if it is with him.

My love cannot be expressed in words because it is much more than that. I can only hope that he knows that my music is dedicated to him and only him. He is my muse, my beloved and my dreams.

Brett clutched his chest with his hand as he felt the love from him to bloom. Why were this words too familiar for him? It felt like he knew these despite just seeing them now. A memory that seemed like his unraveled.

It was when their past selves were in the classroom. Edward's last day as a second year but he stayed with Brett as they kissed. Brett felt the butterflies on his stomach. He smiled and opened another page.

June 19, 1862

The moment that I found myself playing that duet with him, I knew that ache was present. I never wrote about how he broke my heart, but I can write it down now. It is not an ache but an affliction. A pain that you could feel but could not identify the source.

Every single inch of me is on fire.

I do not know what to do anymore. My mind is a clutter that cannot be fixed, a permanent mess. My heart is torn to pieces and only I could mend it. I do not see why I should. No one takes a broken heart and thinks that they will get something good out of it.

My mother used to tell me that I am lovable. She used to get me that no one was not capable of being loved and loving. I believe that, I truly do. Sometimes, I lose faith because the man I love is with someone else now.

I can do nothing but watch from afar.

How could a love made of lies make me hold on so much? Who could have thought that he was the only one that had ever made me feel this way? What did I miss? Where could it have went if he did love me back? When will this feeling end? Why did it end up like this?

But oh God, I love him.

My prayers were answered but it was in a temporary bliss. I was foolish to believe that I could be loved by someone like him. It seems like my nightmare is my daily life now. I am still complete, I admit that.

But there is a missing space in my heart and in my bed. A body that used to belong to my bed and my hands. It turns out that it was all fabricated lies. Empty promises of love, an act of the greatest actor and I am the foolest of them all.

I do not know anymore. I never expected to fall apart but I did.

From now on, I could only dedicate my life to the one that I had always loved and will always love me back. Music. It is time to pursue a dream that I left.

I love him but live for the music I create.

Brett might have just teared up as he unlocked the memory. This was when their siblings married and Brett can't help but cry. It was sad and it felt like Brett was feeling the pain. Of course, at the time he didn't cry but this time?

He was crying his heart out. His soul was making him feel as if he was reliving the pain all over again. Like he was on the moment again, wanting to tell Edward the truth. Like he wanted to beg Edward in order to have him again.

Brett closed the book and sobbed. Thank God he was alone or else his mother would worry so much. He was crying so loud. The pain hits so close to home since Eddy is with someone he really loved now.

Brett did not know if he was crying for his soul or for himself but it was quite comforting. He finally let out feelings that he couldn't before. The only problem now is he cannot stop. He was mourning and grieving. Thoughts run through his mind, poisoning the clarity of it.

He stood up and went to his bed. He took his blanket and put it over his head, continuing to sob. He was crying out as if there was no tomorrow for him. His hands are numb, his head hurts and he can't feel the blanket and pillows near his body. He was shaking from so much tears. Why he cried was not important, for it is relieving.

After a half an hour of sobbing and hiccupping due to crying too much, he falls asleep. He falls in a slumber without dreams nor peace.