Et Nos Cedamus Amori

XXXI.

"Semper Fidelis." -Unknown

Always Faithful.

Whatever this thing the two has, it has been going on for over a year. The cycle of Eddy wanting to reach out physically and Brett lets him, then Brett does not make any meaning of the touch because he didn't want to get his hopes up. The cycle repeats and Eddy feels rejected but doesn't say it to Brett. He felt like he didn't have the right to voice it out. Eddy becomes distant again and Brett makes the little compromises.

They never really spoke about it. Well, mostly Eddy. Brett was still trying to be honest with Eddy, the only difference is he omitted the feelings. He was still honest in a sense that he spoke his mind. Eddy always knew what was going on in his head.

It used to be Brett looking at him with longing. Brett still did that, but now the look was more evident on Eddy's face. Maybe Brett had gotten better at keeping his longing to a minimum. Eddy was still trying to come to terms with it, but it was too obvious in his face.

They were sat on the dining table, reminiscent of them three years ago, in Sydney. Things were good back then, as much as Brett hated to admit it. He hated Sydney because of the distance with Eddy. He loved it for the same reason, though.

Brett handed him a plate of home cooked meal from Mama Yang that Brett just heat up. Eddy smiled at him, looking up with a mix of gratitude and longing. Brett returned the smile.

"Ma said you might be eating like shit so she made you that."

"Yeah, man. I missed Chinese food cooked by an actual Chinese person." Eddy exclaimed, laughing at his friend.

Brett just sat down across him, watching the love of his life with contentment. He felt like he didn't need more. They're friendship is now semi-normal. Maybe except the longing, but then again, Brett was a friend when he was longing for Eddy.

Brett wasn't blind. He knew exactly what longing looked like even with just a glance but he didn't want to assume. Maybe it wasn't for him or maybe he was just in the right place when Eddy was longing for someone else.

Eddy started to feel his head hurt. He felt like his chest was being constricted and he looked up at Brett. Brett knew what this was the moment Eddy closed his eyes. Brett guided him on the couch and let him lay down. It was hard to process memories that aren't exactly yours.

Eddy Chen on the other hand could not stop thinking. He cannot stop thinking about all the possibilities of being with Brett Yang. From the simplest things to the more complex and bigger things, Eddy had thought about it all.

What would it feel like to hold hands with him? To be held by him with no shame, to be kissed by those soft lips, to be loved by those words that romances, to be with him? Oh, to be loved by Brett Yang. What would it feel like to be loved back by him?

Oh, to be free to love with Brett Yang. Edward Chen just wanted to love Brett Yang without the consequences of it being illegal. To be out with him in public and hold his hand, to own a house with him, to adopt children with him and most importantly, to be married to him. Oh, to be free and love Brett Yang.

Am I a criminal because I am simply in love?

Edward thought as he dwelled on the thoughts of being with Brett Yang. Eddy thought of it as though Brett Yang loved him back. Who could love Edward, anyway? He is difficult and sometimes he is out of his mind. It does not matter, though.

All these thoughts are fantasies because Brett does not love him back. Should Edward make the first move and let his love be known? Would it be too bad if he told the older man the truth of where his heart lies? Where his mind wanders and where his soul longs to be? Was it too soon to call it love?