Et Nos Cedamus Amori

XVIII.

"Sic ego nec sine te nec tecum vivere possum." -Ovid

So I can't live either without you or with you.

"I wanna be your friend, Eddy. I really do, but don't you think that it wouldn't be awkward?" Brett added.

"Not at all! It's only awkward if we make it awkward... Brett, I just don't want to lose you... Fuck Brett, the week without you had been too much how will I keep on going?" Eddy said, with tears spilling out of his eyes.

"Eddy, you know I hate making you feel bad..." Brett started, words coming out almost like a threat or a warning.

"Then don't. Keep being my best friend... Please Brett, I can't live without you."

"But, I can't live with you..."

"So what if you can't? I know you can't lose me too."

The fire in Brett's chest is personified. It's walking around under his skin, burning a bit more than necessary for him to go through. Then there it was, the beast of emotions unleashed from his heart. Whether it was out of love, or agitation, Brett didn't know. Once he spoke up, he couldn't stop.

"How dare you say that to me, Eddy? You just don't know what it feels like, do you? What it's like to constantly long for something you can't get a hold of? What it's like to dream about us, sweet and loving but the moment you wake up the bitter realization seeps in through the sweetness? You don't know what it might feel like to just sit and watch your beloved love someone else..."

Something clicks inside Eddy. Years and years and years of knowing Brett, everything hit him harder. Why does he know what it all suddenly feels like? Why did it make sense after seeing the image of Brett and Jordon at the airport? Why does he know what it felt like?

"You might have felt that for a long time but that doesn't mean I never felt it, too... You don't know what I felt when I saw you and Jordon at the airport."

"Then spit it out, Eddy. Whatever cruel joke this might be, please just get it over with. Hurt me, please. Don't lie to me, just hit me hard with a truth... You don't have to do this."

There was a moment of silence between them. It was so nerve-racking, uncomfortable and vulnerable and it's persisting. Eddy doesn't know how to speak his truth and Brett had been nothing but truthful the entire time. It's a big contrast but when Eddy decides to be as transparent, maybe something could go right for once between them.

"I felt as though I loved you." Eddy said, simple words that could make Brett's world stop.

Brett's world did stop, alright. He felt everything that he ever wanted was right there. Though, something feels wrong. Something doesn't make sense. Brett's soul is rejoicing but his conscience isn't.

"I have nothing to say to that, Eddy... You're still with Toni and she loves you! I don't wanna ruin that..." Brett said, honesty spilling out.

"I know you don't... But now, I can't help but just feel like I love you. Like I want to hold you close to me and kiss you and sleep in the same bed with you..." Eddy said, looking directly at Brett. 

Brett just cried right then and there. He doesn't care if Eddy is present and could see him. He needs to cry and he will do so without  hesitation. 

"Eddy please don't play with my feelings like this. I can't handle it... I'll lose my mind knowing you've said everything you just had and meant it sincerely." Brett replied, avoiding Eddy's burning stare.

"But I do mean it, Brett. I mean every single word I had just uttered. I meant it all." Eddy stated without hesitation nor regret.

Nearing Brett, his hands wanted to reach out and meet the side of Brett's waist. His hands wanted to caress the soft cheek of Brett's face. Somehow, these urges become stronger.