Et Nos Cedamus Amori

XXIX.

"Accidit in puncto, quod non contingit in anno." -Unknown

That may happen in a moment, which does not occur in a whole year.

June 18, 2017

The moment you find yourself wanting to be loved back by someone you know will never love you, you start to feel like you've known an obstacle you haven't been in. The hardship is familiar, likened to walking around in the pitch black darkness of wherever you might be afraid of.

I feel as though I'm trapped in a dark place. I crawl through the ground and reach for the ceilings with my blind eyes but with the strong perception of my touch. I feel around for an exit, somewhere I could come out of never to return to again. I feel around and reach for something, anything attainable or close enough for an exit.

Oh, loving is so difficult yet so easy at the same time. The way he makes me feel like I'm flying is one of a kind. Yet, the fear of falling is still alive and present in my veins. The fifty-fifty chance I've had before is now down to a probability of zero point one. I don't want to make it an entire zero percent because deep inside me I still have hope.

I still have hope that I could be loved. Surely, not by him but for anyone else. I do not get it anymore. I don't get why I'm going insane for something like this that is so trivial. I want to be lobed back but not this way.

Not in the way I have to force it out to another one. Oh, love why must you drive me insane like this?

- - - - -

"Bro, you good?" Alex asked as he looked at his brother who was nervous.

"Yeah, just nervous I might screw up..." Brett admitted.

"Don't look too nervous, you're not the one who just married." Alex joked, laughing at his brother and patted his shoulder.

"I know, but it's your first dance as a married couple. I don't wanna screw that up." Brett replied.

"Brett, I assure you that you won't." Alex coaxed, fixing his brother's clothing. "You're a fucking mess for being an older brother." He added with a snicker.

"I don't have the room to disagree because it is true." Brett joked back, laughing at his taller yet younger brother.

"You'll do great." Alex added for the last time as he approached his now wife, Belle.

He looked at the piano behind him and saw Eddy settling down next to him. They smiled at each other so brightly, so happy for their siblings. Eddy gave Brett an a and he started tuning. When he was done, he nodded his head and signaled a go to Eddy. Eddy started the piano part and Brett felt himself drown.

The couple was swaying side to side, in each other's arms. It was quite divine. The mere humans of them become gods when love is in the picture. Brett wanted to believe that love conquers all things. But, he didn't need to.

Somewhere deep inside of his soul, he already knew. He knew exactly what to make of love, it's just blurry now that his present soul is being crowded with doubt and the present love of Eddy's life.

Alas, Brett was too late again. Yet, he wasn't exactly expecting to take the occupation in Eddy's heart. And yet again, given the chance to fill that space, he will do everything in his right. Everything in his resources and reach, he will give.

It sounds unfair, and it is. Brett was praying, praying to move on from the man who played the piano by his side. He knows that he's not strong enough to do it by himself so he needs the help of an external force.

A woman like Toni, he introduced to me before we played. Her name was Sammy and she was exactly Brett was looking for, for his friend. They will be sitting on a table with their family and the moment he introduces her, the look of approval will bloom on the faces of his parents.

It'll be over for Brett, then.

For now, he could only focus on the piece. Once ended, everything he was both anticipating and dreading will come. The couple was done dancing and returned to their table. They still had the smile plastered to their faces and Brett can't help but return it.

Of course Brett still wasn't over his best friend but he took on the role that he was given. Besides, after everything here, he has no reason to love Eddy anymore. He needs to move on, especially he has no place in Eddy's family other than family friend and brother-in-law for Belle.

(His mind may say these but deep inside his heart, he knows that there's still a million reasons to love his best friend beyond his own emotional capacity.)

After fixing up his violin, he sat down with the family. Eddy was introducing Sammy to his family. Mama Chen wore a proud smile on her face, a genuine one. Papa Chen mirrored the look but he looked more welcoming than Mama Chen. Mama Yang smiled, she knew that his son was already over Eddy so he was happy. Papa Yang was more hesitant, he saw the look of pain and disappointment that flashed across Brett's face for a moment.

Brett smiled at the two, beginning to feel a happiness that stood on his chest. He didn't mind the curses from the back of his mind. He knew that this was the physical and external reason why he should just move on.

"Sammy, if you don't mind... Do you believe in soulmates?" Papa Yang asked out of the blue, in the middle of their meal conversation.

"Pa, that's too much of a personal question, isn't it?" Mama Yang said, glaring her eyes a little at her husband.

"No, it's okay... I do believe in them. I lost mine a couple of years ago. He died of hereditary bone cancer. I'm just happy he isn't feeling the pain anymore." She smiled sadly.

Brett had found a new admiration for the girl. She was exactly what he needed to move on. This girl's love will be more genuine that his. She was perfect.

"That's very brave... They say some never completely get over the pain of losing their soulmate." Papa Chen said.

"It's extremely difficult, like a piece of myself was torn out. Yet, I promised to give back to the world the love he had received. So, I'm here... Loving for both of us." Sammy replied, very heartfelt and raw.

Brett was very sad, yet he felt a lot of weight lifted off of his shoulders. He knew that she had to be the one to love Eddy now. He's now very certain that Eddy will be loved. He could now move on.

Yet, he felt a headache. He immediately excused himself after replying to Sammy. He dashed to the bathroom and closed a cubicle. He closed the toilet lid and sat, closing his eyes.

Brett Yang was dressed in his best suit and stood next to the one and only Edward Chen. If only it were a different situation, Brett would tell everyone that they got married but that is not the case. Edward Chen was never in love with him.

Brett thought that he would recover from the hurt. It turned out that he might never even recover from the pain. It had been a month ever since Eddy's graduation. Yet, the words still echo in Brett's mind.

Did you really think that I would love someone like you?

It haunts Brett more than he could ever admit. He knows Eddy was speaking the truth. Why would anyone even love him? Every morning this is what he is reminded of. The body he got used to, that used to be next to him was now in someone else's bed and someone's else's company.

Still, he did not want anyone to see through this facade of his. He could pretend that this duet that Belle composed is not hurting him. He could pretend that he was completely fine and not broken inside when Eddy looks that beautiful but Brett could not reach out to him anymore.

He was not going to ruin his brother's day just because he could not forget the man that is playing with him or playing him. Nowadays, Brett cannot identify the difference.

The sonata that Belle composed sounded so romantic and full of passion. So, Brett cannot do anything but look at Eddy as he played. This might be the last time that he will be able to witness it. He takes in all that he can and you can call him selfish. He has his opportunity and he is only taking it.

Brett cried and cried, pain resonating. Why am I even crying now?