Et Nos Cedamus Amori

VI.

"Permitte divis cetera." -Horace

Leave all else to the gods.

Eddy Chen keeps on getting dreams and visions about a life that was seemingly his from before. It showed him his marriage to a woman, three kids, him being a violin soloist. It seemed like he had a good life ahead of this.

But there was one dream that seemed out of place. It felt like he was younger. He had no control over what he's doing but he's thinking as Eddy, instead of the body that's named Edward. Yet, he watched this man play.

In his heart blooms great admiration and inspiration. The man on the stage seemed faceless but somehow, the playing is so familiar. Everything seemed too familiar, as though he had been here before.

They were playing Beethoven's spring sonata. Belle was the said pianist but he can't see the face of the man properly. Still, Eddy feels like this man was an inspiration for Edward.

The piece ends with the last note ringing all over the hall and with that everyone clapped.

"Edward! Edward!"

Someone calls out from his dream.

"Edward Chen! Wake up right now. You are going to be last for your lesson!" 

Eddy groggily got up. He was still feeling bizarre from the dream. This was the first time he ever encountered that man. It seemed as though he was young too. All his dreams were seemingly about a woman named Irene and them having three children.

It seemed that he was happy there.

- - - - -

When Eddy had met Toni, he didn't know it at the time. He payed it no mind as they carried on being friends. Until something from the depths of his unconsciousness had whispered to his consciousness.

"Reach out, Eddy... Reach out..."

Maybe the was the moment that something did change between them. It was the moment that Eddy knew he had to do something. The situation was quite fitting, too. They were all in a group, Jordon, Brett, Toni, Zoe, Nathaniel and him. They were just talking about everything and nothing all at once.

Up until that moment, when Toni smiled at him with a smile that had no undertones to it rather than niceness, that was when something inside him was begging to reach out. Something inside him wanted to know why the world wanted her to be with him.

Something relevant to whatever was happening to him. That was the moment where everything changed.

Eddy could describe it as the change that starts from the outside going in. The type of change that the movies fail to show in visual media. The type of change that only you could feel.

What Eddy didn't know is he was reaching out to the wrong person. Worry not, the gods will say, all in our time. Now is not the time. Leave it to our powers.

Eddy went to Toni and asked her out. He was glad that Toni said yes to him.

- - - - -

He looks at me from across the room, those eyes holding so much truth. Yet, I believe his words more. His words from fifteen years ago. Who could love someone like me? I am only a man who fell in love with a fellow man. Men cannot be together in this world of ours.

He did the right thing before. Why should he change now?

It still lives in my chest... The way he told us that he allowed the woman to be with someone else because she was not in love with him anymore. It must have hurt him, the one he truly loved was not in love with him anymore.

I know that feeling but I had always hoped he never had to feel that way. I just want to comfort him but I believe that I am not the right person to do so. I do not want him to feel guilty, even if he never felt like so.

It brings me happiness that he is in the room next to mine. That he could stand living with me and even feel comfortable raising his children in my presence. I do not ask of him to love me... That would be too much.

I only asked him to move in with me because he is family. He needed all the help that he could get and I am happy to give it all to him without asking for anything in return. I am not a bad man with different intentions. My only intention is to ease the pain away even if temporary.

I will be back in Vienna sometime next year. I only asked for a vacation because I want to live in my hometown again and be known as who I am. Not my name as a violinist or a novelist. I only want to be the person that everyone had known here.

I wish that would never change, coming home to this constantly. I ran away for far too long, I have to embrace the problems and fears now. I have to accept the fact that I was not loved before by the one I loved. I have to accept that I could never be loved like him in the way I want.

Yes, it brings a thousands worth of pinpricks that cause me pain but it is my truth. Music is the only thing I should be devoting my time on. Need not to hold on to a teenage love... It was naive of me to hold on to it in the hopes that when I return he might have told me that it was a horrible dream and that he did love me all those years.

A man could only dream.

At least in my dreams, my love is requited and need not anything but his presence. Pathetic, I know... I could never forget at this stage. But what if that is it?

I am not forgetting because I do not want to.

Brett cried as he continued to read the journal. Every single thing that happened to his past life was too much. It made his head spin and it proves that even before, he just wasn't meant to be with Eddy. He curled up alone under the blanket and cried.

Despite the heat, he still stayed under the blanket. It was a sanctuary on its own. It was where he could shed tears in the comfort of himself alone. He wanted someone to talk about it, but no one comes to mind.

If it was another person he was in love with, he would have told Eddy immediately. Now, he can't. Not like he could tell his parents. Alexander would understand but the boy was busy enough. He was studying at med school already and Brett didn't want to add to his younger brother's stress. Besides, he shouldn't be so heartbroken over this.

It was his past life. It should've been left on the past, isn't it? He knew from the start that Eddy couldn't be his. How was he still so lovelorn? The facts are already right in front of him. Edward Chen was in love with Toni Wei. Toni Wei was in love with Edward Chen.

It's quite simple, really. Brett wasn't in the equation. He was just the younger man's best friend. It was the best that he could get. At least he was still in Eddy's life. Imagine the pain if Eddy just got rid of him because he found out about Brett's love.

Not that Eddy would hate him. Eddy was too kind like that. He would just give Brett space and never will be the same for them again. It was better this way, staying as a best friend even if it hurt.

Brett didn't want to hurt the same way his past life did. He just wanted Eddy in his life. Sadly, even he would go through pain just to let Eddy be in his life until the end of time. Brett knows it sounded so possessive. Could you blame him, though?

He did not have the right, but maybe it's the best for his sanity. Maybe all Brett needed was a reminder of how happy Eddy really is so he could back off. He could be the supportive friend that Eddy needs. Not the friend who's wishing for himself to be loved back.

Brett had a headache again so he stood up to grab some water from their kitchen.

"Brett? Are you okay?" His mother asked, Brett almost jumped. He did not expect her to be awake.

"Yeah... I just got thirsty, mama. That's all." Brett said, avoiding conversation.

"If you say so, Brett..." A long silence between them. "You know you could tell me everything, right?" She added.

"I know, ma... Thanks." Brett said, not wanting to upset her.

"Okay. It's good you know. Goodnight, son."

"Goodnight, ma."

When Brett went back to his room, he cried harder.