STALEMATE [MAFIA] [MXM] ✓

15: FEEL BETTER

Salem can't function.

He doesn't go home. He messages Natalia and asks if she can take Ruby to school for a while—seriously, he can't face her—and she of course says yes. She checks on Salem, but he can't bring himself to talk about it. He gives her a half-assed, implausible excuse that he can't even remember. She doesn't pry, and then he's back to being alone.

He doesn't want to push his problems onto other people. He does attend the counseling sessions, but he gets irritated and leaves early every time. He just refuses to talk about it.

Anyway, yeah, Salem doesn't go home. He just fucking can't, he doesn't want to see anyone. He can't even look at himself in the mirror. He can't move on, can't live his life, for two days. He quite literally spends all his time in his jeep, sitting in the parking lot of the station and only exiting to take showers and attend aforementioned counseling.

Even though he showers sometimes—obviously not nearly enough—he still doesn't take care of himself. He doesn't brush his teeth, but he also doesn't eat anything. He doesn't take his medicine, doesn't exercise. He just can't live with himself after what happened, blaming  himself entirely for the death of that girl. Salem should've saved her. If he just moved faster, maybe she'd still be alive.

Salem can't bring himself to go home, to talk to people and show his face anywhere. This goes on for days—seriously, Salem rots in his car for fucking days. He can't even be a person, wondering why that girl had to die but he gets to live. Why her step-father gets to sit in a prison cell while she's been robbed of the happy, fulfilling life she deserved.

Part of it is just because he can't trust himself to drive, but eventually his mania starts to really set in and he has no choice but to return home. He's hyper focused the entire way there, and is thankfully able to get there in one piece. He gets honked at for various reasons, but he can't even find it within himself to care.

It's two days after the incident, circa 3 AM, when he's finally back home.

The house is quiet. Ruby must be asleep, and he has no idea where Atlas would be. Salem isn't really processing his surroundings anyway, so it's not like it actually matters. He can barely even talk, but he wouldn't be pleasant to converse with anyway.

Salem takes his medicine, then flosses and brushes his teeth for at least ten minutes. He takes a shower, but puts no effort into his appearance. He puts on an old shirt that belonged to Jack, as well as a pair of ACPD sweatpants, and removes his contacts—an activity which is quite painful. Pretty soon he's somewhat comfortable and taken care of again, but he still doesn't know how he's going to live with himself.

Seriously, he can't even bring himself to look in the mirror. He showered in the dark. He can't fucking forgive himself. He can't move on. He's not so sure if he wants or deserves either. He's leaning towards no.

After getting himself situated, Salem exits his bedroom once again. He wants to stay cooped up in there, but he knows he should look after his health at least a little bit. He hasn't eaten anything all this time, only consuming water. He should get something in his system at least, even though it will probably only end in him throwing it up.

Salem goes back downstairs. He takes note that the foyer light is on, and he's pretty sure he didn't do that. He hasn't wanted any light at all. Still, it's not like he's all that stable right now—memory untrustworthy—so he ignores it.

Salem just walks to the kitchen, and he doesn't trust himself to cook anything right now. So, he opens the fridge, but finds nothing even remotely appetizing. He then checks the pantry, and is once again out of luck. He has no appetite, has felt sick for the past several days.