sanctuary // george joji miller

thirty two

It's been a long time since I felt this shitty feeling after consuming past my limit, I really don't like alcohol but I absolutely loathe the feeling of heartbreak more.

Who would've thought? It's just so fucking hilarious, you know?

I'm the biggest clown.

"Freya, you good?" I heard Lili call my name, I lifted my head up to look at her.

"Absolutely." I managed to smile at her and gave her a thumbs up.

"She's not." Belle laughed. "Do you want to rest now, or whatever? We can call Ezra-"

"I said I'm fine." I sighed. "Seriously."

I stood up and spun, showing evidence that I am still sober and that I can still handle myself. I am still sober, yeah, but my body can't seem to handle any more liquor.

"Alright, alright." Lili laughed. I sat on the stool again, trying to ignore the sudden headache from spinning. "Do you need anything?"

"Honestly I'm good, I know y'all eyeing the boys from the varsity team, y'all shoot your shot." I said, almost slurred. Belle gave me a concerned look.

"You sure you're okay?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Call me if you need me, like, my number, so I'll know where you are and I'll pick you up right away." Belle said sternly. "Promise me, Frey, alright?"

"Yes, yes, no off you go," I said, waving my hands to say farewell to them.

I don't want to ruin their fun, if I am miserable I'd rather be alone.

They slowly walked away from me, their eyes glued to me as they do so, then disappeared in the crowd.

I held my head as I listen to the loud music, feeling like my heart is beating so fast along to the vibration of the ground.

Fuck.

I sat facing front to the people dancing in front of me, some are just completely vibing to the music, smoking, drinking, and all of the sort.

I wonder what goes inside their heads. Are they really happy? Are they suffering? Are they elated? In anguish? 

It's amazing to think about how people can completely act in comparison to what they truly feel, hide everything behind a facade. Like me.

I scanned the room, looking at unfamiliar faces and to think that most of these are from Ezra's college. Must be nice. 

I'll meet a lot of new people in a couple months, a new chapter of my life will begin again. 

And to that fact, I should be leaving everything here, tonight.

I took another shot from the mobile bar, shutting my eyes closed as the liquid go down my throat. I cannot emphasize enough, but I really dislike the taste of alcohol, and everything that comes with it.

"Are you fucking kidding me," I groaned as I heard the intro of Will He play, God, Ezra is such a big stan of his own cousin.

For the love of God, please, I hope I make it through this.

I took another shot, I coughed as I felt the burning sensation on my throat. Fuck this song.

I looked to the pool, watching as people play casual volleyball, some getting stoned in the water, some chattering, some-

I got knots all up in my chest, up in my chest, up in my chest
Just know, I'm trying my best, I'm trying my best.