sanctuary // george joji miller

forty three

from chapter 29
george's point of view

It's been five hours, I haven't seen her since then. I sat in the living room with a cigarette in hand. Why? I don't know, but I think a big part of me is waiting for her. I puffed out smoke and inclined my back to the couch and tilted my head upwards, staring at the ceiling. I wiped the tears that's continuing to form for the longest of time, sniffling as I do.

I shouldn't be smoking but I just don't fucking care anymore, even this is the significant cause of all of this, I'm still out here smoking these damned cigarettes.

Shauna, my doctor, told me that I have at least a year left to live... I could take treatments to still try to make it, but I only have 25-30% survival rate.

It feels like I've turned into a ticking time bomb. An unfortunate turn of events, but I guess that's enough time for me. I chuckled to myself, realizing I've been so drawn and fascinated to the concept of time and now here I am, running out of time myself.

Thinking about it, maybe I would've already achieved everything that I've been dreaming of within the time limit.

All of it, except for one.

Having a future with Freya.

This is my own fault anyways, and I don't want to drag them in my own problem. I'll have to face it by myself. Everything's going great so far, I am not a burden anymore to the people I love. And I don't want to waste that progress.

I just have to keep up with it.

I've done the right decision, right? I don't want her to worry about me, hell, even cry for me when I'm about to leave, I can't bare the sight of her wailing in my death bed. That would be more agonizing than what I'm physically feeling.

I want her to find someone new before I leave, at least I could make sure that she's going to be with someone who can take care of her, that would be my last wish.

Even if she founds a new sanctuary,
she will always be my sanctuary.

It just sucks I can't be the one for her.

On to my 13th stick, I lit it up with the lighter and inspired all that nicotine it could offer me in one inhaling. I watched as it receded as I suck it in. I breathed out the thick smoke and sighed in exasperation.

It sucks, but really I have nobody to blame, I dragged myself into my own hell.

When I was younger, Jane mentioned to me that I was a tuberculosis survivor, but it didn't completely went away, in short I have inactive tuberculosis that can be triggered by smoking or anything that would threaten my lungs. I didn't get lung cancer or whatever but I got leukemia instead. I was weak from the start.

Our family has a history of leukemia and cancer, so I had a possibility of getting them too, especially if I won't take care of myself. Which obviously, I did not do.

This is all just a consequence of my own actions. I thought I can handle it, but turns out I'm not strong enough. I've underestimated the chances and risks.

I should've stopped my bad habits when I met her, when knew that I was falling for her. She tried her best to help me, and now it's all going to a waste, my life straight to the fucking trash.