My Teddy

Dear, Mr. Leon Fisher

Dear, Mr. Leon Fisher

I am only writing to you because my counselor thinks it will help me with my reoccurring nightmares.
I'm doing this even though I know that no matter what I do, things will never get better for me.

Today it's September 1st, 2016.

I hope you get my letter before New Year's Day.

I know that it takes a long time to mail a letter to the unluckiest prison in Alabama, which is why I've already informed the judge that sentenced you to life at Holman Correctional Facility.

I know this will for sure surprise you, it has been 5 years since I've last seen you.

Though I'm pretty sure you already know, I want to explain to you all the pain you've caused me. You've had years to feel guilty and I'm sure you still do but that's not enough for my life to go back to the way it was.

I was there when it happened. We all were.

I still don't know if you planned for us to be home but either way, my life would be over.

Me and Carly were playing Uno at the kitchen table while mama was upstairs doing her hair. She was getting ready for a date that she didn't think we knew about.

Parents always think they are so slick but kids see everything even if they don't say anything about it.

It happened so suddenly.

One minute I was drawing four cards then the next there was a huge explosion and I was being thrown across the room.

I immediately thought about 9/11 and what happened to all of those people then. And I still feel the panic the sliced through my veins sometimes.

I still remember the feeling of my heart dropping as I heard the screams of my young sister.

You and mum argued so much and then for a little bit you stopped coming home.

I remember you banging on the door and yelling plenty of times.

You wanted to see us sometimes and she didn't always let you.
And the more you kept coming back and banging on the door, the crazier you got.

I knew something would happen sooner or later but I thought that it would be something simple like a divorce.

I wasn't even worried about any bruises as I laid there for a second, my ears ringing. It didn't occur to me at the time that you set off a homemade bomb. How you even knew how to make one is a mystery in itself.

I didn't feel anything but I saw blood.

I was worried about mama.

And my sweet little sister.

All I saw was fire and smoke everywhere, all I felt was the wind blowing in from the large hole where the front door used to be.

I remember the police officer telling me afterwards that you poured gasoline in mama's flowerbeds lining the house.

I still remember my little sister's sobs.

Her leg was stuck under the chandelier, it had fallen during the explosion.
There was glass everywhere.

"Mommy! Jay, where's mommy?"

Her words still fresh in my mind. They always have been and always will be.

She loved our mama so much.

God, I miss Carly so much.

I remember first feeling the sting. It was the worst pain I've ever felt.
My hand started to sting really bad.