Music & Butterflies

Chapter 4 - 1 May 2021

It was still hard to believe that all of our hard work had culminated up to today. It was the final concert of the Map of the Soul:7 tour, the one where the competition winners would be our special guests.

The tour had been a massive success, both financially and visually. ARMY had been posting on social media saying they were the best concerts the guys and I had ever put on. I really loved every night where we performed for our fans, but what I was most looking forward to was having a few weeks off starting from tomorrow. I love ARMY and having concerts, but man was it tiring!

Finishing the soundcheck and final dance practice, I followed my bandmates into the green room in a subdued manner. Entering the room, I noticed Nari and Iseul sitting together on the couch and gave a small wave to the two girls before collapsing onto one of the single chairs as Jin and JK pounced and kissed their girls. It was really cute to see these two burly men absolutely whipped for their small, petite women.

'Would you look petite in my arms? Or would I look smol in yours?'

I took note of the hands on my watch, three hours until go time. A sigh of relief came from my mouth, the soundcheck hadn't taken as long as it could have, so it meant I could have a nap for an hour until we were needed to start heading into hair and makeup.

I loved being on the stage performing, but one thing that I was not was a big fan of all the waiting; so, I lived up to my bandmates' nickname for me – grandpa. You can sue me all you want, but naps are the best thing. Well, except holding a warm, beautiful woman, and getting your dick in a hot, wet pussy.

'Snap out of it Yoongi! You can't think about getting your dick wet right now. Thank God the others don't realise how much of a pervert you really are,' I scolded myself. I had worked hard to keep my pervertedness – 'Is that even a word? Well it is now' – in check from the others. 

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Voices talking close woke me from my slumber.

'Does someone want to die today?'

"It's so hard, hyung. It's so hard trying to look like I'm ok, when I feel like half of me is missing and will never be found again."

"Oh Jiminie, I can't even imagine what it feels like," Hoseok's calm voice quivered with emotion.

I felt bad eavesdropping into my brothers' conversation, but truth be told, I was worried about Jimin. I didn't know, nor could even begin to imagine, what it would feel like having a visual reminder that your soulmate is gone forever. I turned over to face Jimin and Hoseok, letting them know I was awake and wanted to talk to them too.

"I know it's been nearly five years since your tattoo turned white, but has the pain gotten any easier to deal with?" I probed gently. I knew I needed to tread carefully, especially more so because the concert was just ahead of us. I didn't want to make Jiminie any more upset than he was; he'd feel so much worse if he thought he did a bad job for ARMY.

"Do you want the answer I usually give, or the truth?" Jimin huffed forlornly.

"Whatever answer you want to give. You know Yoongi-hyung and I, as well as the rest of the guys, will never judge you. Your feelings are valid and justified." Just by the tone he put into his voice, Hobi was making Jimin know that he was in a safe place filled with love and acceptance in case he wanted to open up.

"Honestly, I feel... there's too much I feel right now, but the big ones are sad, happy, betrayal and guilt."

I could understand the first two; but to feel guilt and betrayal, I was confused and a bit concerned. "Jiminie, I'm never going to tell you what you should or shouldn't feel, but please don't bottle it up," I quietly spoke, loud enough for their ears only. "You guys saw what happened when I bottled up my depression and anger in our pre-debut days."

I was silent for a minute; Hoseok and Jimin knew from our years together that the facial expression painted on my face was me collecting my thoughts so I could best help. I had a process – run things through my head so I could best organise and speak. "Jiminie, by any chance, are you feeling guilty because you are here, that your career is breaking records and you are doing what you love most?"

It hurt to see my beloved brother break down into tears. I was so worried I had said the wrong thing that my eyes began welling too. Where Hobi was my best friend, Jiminie was my little brother that I wanted to coddle and comfort so nothing bad would ever come to him. These two were the ones I was closest to. Don't get me wrong, I loved Jin, Tae, Jungkook and Joon too, but there was something special about Hoseok and Jimin's souls that spoke so deeply to mine. I knew they were my platonic soulmates.

"Hyung, you are the first person to not tell me that I have nothing to feel guilty about. Yes, I feel guilty that I am alive, that I am achieving my dreams, while my soulmate is n-not here anymore," voice breaking with emotion, Jimin bared his deepest thoughts to Hobi and I for the first time. "I feel betrayed by the universe, God, whichever deity controls life and death. Why does everyone else either get to have a s-soulmate, or get the chance to still meet their destined person, when m-mine is in the g-ground?"

Hoseok pulled the sobbing man into his arms, wrapping him tightly and gently rocking him. I saw Namjoon and Tae jump up hearing Jimin's wails, but with a shake of my head, I telepathically told them that Hobi and I had it and they should give us some space. I knew that as much as Jimin loved both our leader and his fellow '95-liner, seeing the two happily bonded as soulmates right now was not what he needed.

"Jiminie, I know in my heart of hearts, love is coming to you. Whether it is another soulmate or someone you choose to love, you will have a great love in your future." No one ever doubted when Hoseok gave weird predictions like this, they were normally always true; except for the one where he predicted that the thick eyeliner in their early days would look cool years later.

"Thanks, Hobi-hyung. I love the other guys with all my heart, but sometimes it's hard to talk about this to them. I know they love and support me, and are always here to talk to, but they have found their one person. They don't have to worry about feeling like they'll be alone forever."

"Jiminie, you'll never be alone. You'll always have a place in my life. You can be the favourite, crazy uncle to my boat-load of kids," I joked, trying to lift the atmosphere.

Jimin pouted, but then grinned when he thought of little gummy smiled children running around. "I'll hold you to that hyung. You better let your soulmate know as soon as you meet them that I demand to be called uncle Mini."

"Is that because you're short?"

An embarrassing snort erupted from me as Jimin gave a fierce glare at Hobi. If looks could kill, there'd be a pile of ashes in Hobi's clothes right now. "You're lucky we've got to go get ready any minute now, hyung. I'd challenge you to a dance battle and I'd happily kick your ass just for that."

Both Hoseok and I were happy that Jimin's head was back in the game. All of us guys admired the strength Jimin had to be able to leave his emotional baggage at the door and focus on the job we had to do, which was to put on the best concert for our fans.