1. Friend: Why are you so damn quiet today?
Me: Well nobody plans a murder out loud! DERP.
Friend: ....
Me: What I thought. God, stupid people these days.
___________
2. Grandpa: Go hide! Your teachers' here because you skipped school!
Boy: You should hide! I told her you were dead!
__________
3. Me: I know a gay guy that sounds like a owl.
Friend: Who?
___________
4. Bella: Your pale white and ice cold, I know what you are.
Edward: Just say it out loud. It's time you know.
Bella: A snowman!
_________
5. Mom: What did you learn at school today?
Me: Well obviously not enough because I have to go tomorrow.
_________
6. Dad: Can you go get me a drink?
Kid: Coke or Pepsi?
Dad: Coke.
Kid: Normal or dietary?
Dad: Normal.
Kid: Bottle or can?
Dad: Bottle.
Kid: 1L or 0.5L?
Dad: Screw it! Just buy me a water.
Kid: Normal or carbonated?
Dad: NORMAL!
Kid: Warm or cold?
Dad: Get out!
Kid: Now or later?
Dad: I'm going to kill you!
Kid: Knife or gun?
Dad: Gun!
Kid: Head or body?
Dad: FUCK. YOU.
____________
7. Waiter: I'm sorry, did I keep you here waiting too long?
Me: No, but did you know there's 3,582 squares on this ceiling?
__________
8. Police officer: Where were you between 4 and 6?
Me: Kindergarden.
_________
9. Teacher: Why do I hear talking?
Me: You have ears, duh!
__________
10. Teacher: You should know this! You guys learned it back in elementary school!
Me: Bitch, chill. I don't even know what I ate for breakfast.
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Referring back to number 9 I hate how your talking in the hallway and the teacher walks out and say," I'm sure it's not my class talking." With their voice suggesting you to be quiet. I just want to say,"I'm sure you can shut your ass and mind your own fucking business."
It just pisses me off. I mean it's a free country. Last time I checked, talking is allowed. Peace out!
*Brofist*
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The World's Funniest Shit
HumorJokes, comebacks, insults, quotes, yo mama's, and other meaningless funny shit. I try to find some you haven't heard before because that's just lame if you've heard the same thing again and again. MUST READ if you don't I can't do anything but still...
