1. Me: You know, Santa forwarded me the Naughty and Nice List. You're on the naughty one.
Friend: ....No comment.
Me: Let's go find out why.
Friend: Just ask Santa.
Me: He has too many ho ho hos.
Friend: You have the worst puns.
__________
2. Idiot: I'm so mad! I started talking dirty to that girl, then she slapped me and left!
Me: Dude, why?! You know how long it took for me to get you two on a date?!
Idiot: You told me she was a dirty blonde!
Me: Hair color.
Idiot: Ooooohhh....
________
3. Me: Where are you from again?
Stranger: Vagina.
Me: ME TOO! In fact, that's where we all come from!!
Stranger: NO! NO! I meant Virginia!
Me: Sure you did, you dirty minded freak. ;D
_________
4. Me: Just had a slushy. My tongue is blue.
Random Bro: Red.
Me: Let's make purple. ;D
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5. Me: Hey, babe. Wanna duck?
Friend: ....Autocorrect? Either way, no.
Me: No,NO, not that. I meant I caught a duck. Want it?
Friend: Did you not read the last sentence? Either way, no?
Me: His name is Larrie. Larrie the duck.
Friend: You scare me sometimes.
(Just saying. Chickens are way better. Eh, not really. But by like 2%)
_________
6. Police: How high are you?
Me: Sir, you got it wrong. It's,"Hi, how are you?"
_______
7. Enemy: Wow, you look terrible!
Me: Fuck off. Your face is making me feel worse.
________
8. Teacher: Can you explain how you got that answer?
Me: Because I'm CLEVER, bitch!
(You'll probably get detention for doing that, just saying)
__________
9. Robber: I'm a thief! Gimme your money!
Guy: Nope.
Robber: I've got a weapon!
Guy: Do you?
Robber: *Checks pocket* What?! Where's me knife?!
Guy: *Takes out knife* Who's the robber now?
THE PERKS OF BEING MAGICIAN
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10. Teacher: What do you call a person that keeps on talking when no one's listening?
Kid: A teacher!
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Aye! So I'm sitting in a chair with no damn Internet connection and writing whatever the fuck I find funny.
That's my life. In all seriousness, though, I really need to get outside and do whatever normal people do outside. What do they do that's so much better than staying inside with air conditioning and video games?
I honestly don't know. Another topic, cars. I really don't like them. The music that blasts out of the radio sounds different than music out of my iPhone and it gives me a headache for some reason. Plus, whenever me and my parents go on a long car ride, I'm always scared that the car's gonna break down or run out of gas and we'll be stuck in the middle of the street and shit'll go down. Peace out!
*Brofist*
YOU ARE READING
The World's Funniest Shit
HumorJokes, comebacks, insults, quotes, yo mama's, and other meaningless funny shit. I try to find some you haven't heard before because that's just lame if you've heard the same thing again and again. MUST READ if you don't I can't do anything but still...
