1. Friend: I bet you can't say the alphabet faster than me.
Me: Challenge accepted! A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I...
Friend: The alphabet.
Me: Well fuck you too.
___________
2. Son: DAD! DAD! There's a monster under my bed!!
Dad: Enjoy it while you can, son. One day, when you get married, that monster will be sleeping with you in bed.
Son: Ewwww. I don't wanna get married. Girls are weird!
_________
3. Mother to father: Go have a word with your son, I found a stack of porno magazines under his bed."
Father walks into his son's room and says,"Y'know if you keep reading those inappropriate magazines, you'll get blind."
"I'm over here dad!"
___________
4. The entire school: You don't talk much.
Me: Because I hate you all.
_________
5. Ex: You look good. You lost some weight, not saying you're fat.
Me: Oh, yeah. I found this new diet.
Ex: What's it called?
Me: Happiness... I found it when I left you.
_________
6. Me: I failed the health and safety test.
Friend: My god, how?
Me: So the question was,"What steps do you take during a fire?" And I wrote,"Fucking large ones." Apparently I was wrong.
_______
7. Creepy girl: I need you in my life. I really like you. I feel like there is something missing in my lif. And only you can fix that.
Me: The letter E. There fixed it.
________
8. Stupid Player: Dude, my girlfriend is such a lier! I'm gonna break up with her.
Me: Why?
Stupid Player: She said she slept with her sister.
Me: So? That's normal, they're siblings.
Stupid Player: Uh, no! I was the one that slept with her sister! She's such a lier.
Me: Bro, I think you're the one that's fucked up...
__________
9. Me: Can't believe you cheated on my with that slut! You're just like a penny.
Ex: What? How?
Me: You're two-faced. You're always dumped on the streets but is still in everyone's pants.
Ex: Damn, I want you back.
________
10. Friend: Would you wear shoes if you didn't have feet?
Me: Guess not.
Friend: Then why do you wear a bra?
Me: Why do you wear pants?
Friend: Well played, sir. Well played.
------------------------------------
So I was reading this post on Instagram or whatever and it said,"The best things in life are mistakes." And I thought about me.
Cuz, damn bro, I'm one big ass mistake. Which means I'm the best of the best! Hell yeah! I'm so happy it's Thanksgiving. No school for a week..... FREEDOM, BITCHES! Peace out!
*Brofist*
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The World's Funniest Shit
HumorJokes, comebacks, insults, quotes, yo mama's, and other meaningless funny shit. I try to find some you haven't heard before because that's just lame if you've heard the same thing again and again. MUST READ if you don't I can't do anything but still...
