In Love With A Villain (Dabi X Reader)

31 | Self-Doubt

You and Dabi just got back from a mission Tomura assigned, despite it going well you couldn't help but feel ill at ease. These last couple of days, your disordered thoughts seem to affect you more than usual.

You spent a good portion of your day taking bodychecks. Filming yourself from every angle. Analysing every bump and curve. Hating what you saw. You weigh yourself multiple times a day. It's like a ritual. When you wake up you immediately go to the bathroom then weigh yourself. You weigh yourself pre and post purge.

You freak out when you see you gained 4 kg of food during a binge. And you weigh yourself as you are purging to see the number go down. All of this happens in your room as you wouldn't dare have Dabi walk in on you doing that, you didn't want to worry him with your insignificant issues. You loved him too much to put him throught that, you suffering was enough.

You felt like every time you shared your struggles you infected those around you with your pain, so most of the times you kept it in, until you couldn't, sometimes you couldn't contain your tears and he would comfort you.

He was always so sweet with you, always gentle and patient. He lets you vent all you want. He was there for you and you appreciate everything he does for you. You knew you were a lot to handle.

You usually spend your time in Dabi's room and sleep with him but when it comes to doing disordered things you prefer to not show it to anyone.

Besides you were embarrassed to say the least, your body doesn't show the true extent of your suffering. In your recovery you gained a bunch of weight. And ever since that attempt you weren't able to restrict as you used to.

Every time you tried to restrict you end up shoplifting a bunch of binge food and impulsively binge eating it and then purging it, lately it got so bad that you were doing it a few times a day.

You entered Dabi's room in the new hideout, he was going through what happened in the mission and how you were going to report everything to the other members. You were lost in your thoughts so you weren't attentive to his words. After a few moments he noticed the weight that burdened your shoulders. Your eyes, usually vibrant, now reflected a shadow of self-doubt.

Seated beside you, Dabi's piercing gaze met yours.

"What's wrong Y/n? You look upset..."

"Oh! I am sorry i am not feeling my best, you look down at your thighs and you notice how fat they look when you sit, I don't know how to say this without sounding stupid..."

"Come on doll, every since I met you I never thought that of you. You are the smartest kindest person I have met, you know you can tell me anything, right?" his deep voice had an encouraging tone.

"Well... To be honest, I don't feel my best, ever since my attempted recovery, I have been triggered by my weight gain, I bodycheck all the time, I shoplift food to binge purge, I weigh myself multiple times a day, I weigh my vomit to see if I purged everything. I hate myself so much. I feel like a fat unlovable monster! I don't understand how you can stand being around me, I mean, have you seen me?"

Dabi listened attentively, his empathy growing with each word.
He felt a jolt of surprise at her harsh self-assessment. "Unlovable? Fat? A monster? You really think that?" His voice softened with genuine concern.

You nodded, the vulnerability in your eyes sparking a determination in him to dispel the distorted image you held of yourself.

"You're not seeing what I see,"

Dabi remarked, his fingers grazing your cheek as he lifted your chin gently.

"You're strong, beautiful. Don't let those lies cloud your reflection."

His responses were careful, each phrase an antidote to your self-critical wounds.

"You're not alone in this. We all have our battles, and you're facing yours with more strength than you realize."

Dabi felt honored that you would share such intimate behaviors that people would rather die than share.

But he would be lying if he said he wasn't extremely worried, the daily shoplifting was damaging for your mental health, even if he didn't care about the big companies, he knew you felt helpless, and that you were in a way victim to your compulsive behavior. It encouraged you to purge since it was "stolen food" and you "didn't deserve it".

The weighing your own vomit part is also extremely worrying and disturbing to say the least. You were so strong, how can anyone live with these thoughts for years and still be able to wake up everyday and do things, how can you be so functional when your mind was a mess. He knew he wouldn't last a day in your mind.

You were so harsh with yourself, so heartless and cruel yet you were the polar opposite to those around you, to him, to Twice, To Toga and Tomura. Everyone in the league liked being around you. You were such a great listener, genuine and kind to everyone. Especially to those you cared about.

He addressed his concerns with you, you listened with intent. He suggested to ask Shigaraki to only go on missions with you, that way you'll spend time together and he'll distract you from your urges.

Your urges were like a wave, little by little they get stronger, taller and bigger, until they reach a peak, then they would slow down and become smaller and smaller until they fade away into nothingness.

And Dabi knew this, after he got away from All for one he would spend his time at the library reading books about psychology. He wanted to understand his family dynamic, why his dad was the way that he was. Why his mom reacted that way to his dad. Why Fuyumi was in denial and would do anything to pretend that the family is perfect. He needed to have answers to all of his questions.

His curiosity led him down a rabbit hole of psychiatry and psychology books. Time went by so quickly when he was reading and it distracted him for a while. The knowledge he aquired came in handy when it comes to trying to deal with your eating disorder.

He knew exactly what to do, how to talk to you without enabling you or shaming you. He found the perfect balance when it comes to his words and his actions.

He never expected he would meet someone with an eating disorder. Let alone have his lover deal with such a deadly illness

In a moment of vulnerability, you found yourself wrapped in Dabi's arms. The embrace felt like a refuge from the world's judgment. His warmth enveloped you. At that moment you felt safe, he felt like home.

As you held each other tightly, the echoes of your insecurities faded into the background, leaving only the quiet assurance that you were meant to weather the storms together.