i see you

Really bad person (Evangelia TW)

Fuck I just can't stop feeling dirty and used. I mean that's in fact what I am... but it was all a lie! He was a lie, the relationship was a lie, it all just is a lie! I can't help but think back to all the other people I've had sex with and they all ask for consent, even when drunk! Always!

But he just pushed me to it and never asked he just expected and he would always nag about it and just say things like 'oh come on your my girlfriend! Don't you love me? If you did you'd let me!' And that's fucking gaslighting and assault. I can't wrap my head around it. I feel betrayed, really fucking betrayed.

This is what makes me question this whole situationahip. I know that's not Noah, I really do know that he wouldn't do that! But the possibility of him being a liar and betraying me isn't zero. If he does lie and/or betray me I will never ever forgive him, and never ever trust him again.

"What are you thinking about?" He asks me.

"I'm just uh thinking" I simply answer

"Lia of your thinking about the thing from earlier you can talk to me! And with anything else, just talk to me that's all I want." I wanted to talk to him but if I do I will cry! And I don't cry, never! I won't let myself show any sign of weakness, and I've already shown to much by just being with him. He's a target now, and he'll never escape it.

"It's nothing I was just thinking Noah I promise." I might have sounded slightly rude but I can't tell him... he will leave and I know it's selfish to withhold information like this but he can't leave me... I'll break.

"Okay then." He pauses and then say "you do know I would never intentionally hurt you and I would never do anything against your will!" I know that but I can't really trust it yet.

"Yea I know, and I never thought you would do that." He nods and just hug me. He's like a teddy bear or a golden retriever. Both Sasha and Marly are here and me and Noah both go and practice at every practice but because we never have practice at the same time someone's always here, or there's never more than a 10 minute break without either of us at the house to keep an eye on Isla, she not much younger than me but she's young and in danger. And she can't protect herself yet.

That's why I'm here, that's why I take care of her. So that I can make her ready to take the mafia back. But it'll take some time and a lot of effort. I'm ready for it to start I just don't know if she is! She don't want to talk about her brothers and she don't want to talk about the fact that she will be taking over Ann entire mafia. It's a lot of responsibility and a lot of risks every single day. Not just the cops not the enemies, but the people you have to watch out for the most are the ones around you.

When you get into this life you already know what the enemies are capable of and you can bargain with those. The people you can't bargain with the people you can't trust are the ones you blindly trust. The ones you love and appreciate. That's why I don't trust anyone why I don't trust Noah fully yet. Not even the people who birthed me was trustworthy why should anyone else be. And the worst thing is that you are totally a 100% blinded by the love so you can't see it. It's fucking impossible!

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"Noah can i ask you something?"

"Always Angel!" He answers

"Would you like me even if I was a bad person?" I say with a sigh.

He looks deep into my eyes and answer without hesitation "there's nothing who could stop me from liking you!"

"I mean like a really really bad person!" I say again

"Yes I would still like you and I would still want to be with you. Now will you tell me why you think you're a bad really really bad person?"

"I used to be and it's not something you can just stop being... once you're a bad person that side will always be with you..." I tell him

"Lia, I don't believe people are truly bad but neither do I believe that we make mistakes. Everything we do comes from a place in us. If we do terrible things we have reasons to, we don't do it just to do it. So whatever you did I'm sure you had your reasons!" He says giving a smile

"This is more complex than that!"

"How so?" He say's confused

"Because at first yea I did it for a reason but then I had the option to stop without consequences but I didn't!" I start getting angry with time because I'm frustrated and tired and I can't tell him because he wouldn't understand! There's no way he would and even though he would stay he wouldn't sincerely want to

"Talk to me please!"

"No right now I have to go check on isla, I'll be back!" I walk out towards Islas room...

she's not fucking there!

"FUCK!" When you walk to her room you walk through the whole house, I didn't see her outside. But I check outside just to be sure. And she's not there I a call and call and call, until I realize the front door is slightly open. So I decided to check the security room and se where the fuck she went.

"I heard you scream what's going on?!?" Noah asks worried.

"Isla is gone..."

And he follows me into the locked room which I told them both never to enter. It's computers with the security footage. Some mother fucker took her! I play it over and over and zoom in on different parts of the guys body and then I see it. The New York fucking mafia!

Authors note:
Sorry for bad updating and a messy as fkn chapter live I've said before I've been super super sick and my mind is still worn out and tired so this was the best I could do! But I hope you enjoy it!

Word count: 1083