Peace [HS AU]

9. Camryn

Harry knocked on my door early on Sunday. Well it was 8 so it wasn't extremely early but for a Sunday it felt a little out of place.

"Hi, I hope I didn't wake you," He smiled sheepishly.

He did, but that was okay.

"No, of course. What's up?"

"Well I was just thinking about Friday night and I don't really remember much other than you bringing me home and I wanted to say thank you and that I'm sorry for getting so drunk. I don't usually, it's been a while since I drank that much. It was just such a stressful week at work and well, I was celebrating I guess because it was over." His little speech made me worried but also I blushed that he felt the need to apologize and explain himself.

"Tea?" I asked opening my door wider. He smiled, nodded and walked in.

"You don't have to apologize or explain yourself. We're friends, so we help each other out. I am a bit worried about your job though," I said putting the kettle on and dropping a tea bag into each of our drinks.

When I turned he was smiling brightly and I became confused.

"What?"

"You said we were friends," He said making my cheeks blush.

"Oh well, I just meant neighbors, y'know," I said biting back my smile.

"I'm honored you consider me a friend, I consider you one as well. So, friend, what were you saying?" His dimples only made me smile a little wider and turn back to put water in our tea.

"Your job, Harry, it's just not okay how they treat you and I'm worried about you. If this is happening every month that's not okay." I placed our teas down and sat opposite of him.

"It's over though, it's once a month and then it's done. I'll be back to leaving my work at work and coming home by 5 on Monday. Thank you, for caring, but I think I'm okay for now."

"Okay," I said lamely and blowing on my tea.

"Big plans today?"

"Huge," I teased watching the smile grown on his face. "I was going to binge watch a new show on Netflix, called Good Girls. You?"

"Definitely nothing as riveting as that," he teased making me smile.

"Well, friend, if you'd like to join I planned on watching in a little bit."

"Nothing sounds better to me."

I smiled and we finished drinking our tea before I washed our mugs. Harry was dressed in casual joggers and a t-shirt and I was wearing my famous leggings and jumper combo.

Harry sat down on my couch and I grabbed a blanket for us to share before sitting next to him with a bit space between us. As I fumbled with the remote until the show was on I began to notice how close Harry and I were and I didn't know if we both moved closer or if I did it but our bodies were touching and I tried my hardest not to watch the smirk that grew on his face. Both of our hands were touching under the covers since we were both sat criss-crossed and our hands were on our knees. Neither of us payed attention to it but his pinky darted out every now and then and traced my hand making me blush and move my fingers apart slightly.

Eventually our fingers were intertwined and rested in Harry's lap. His smirk was growing and I tried to hide everything I was feeling inside. I decided to focus on the show and got rather enamored with it.

Somewhere in the midst of our binge my eyes began getting droopy and before I knew it I was asleep. Somehow in the middle of me sleeping Harry also fell asleep on top of me. Our legs intertwined together and his head on my chest and the blankets wrapped tightly around us making it more cozy. I woke up only briefly to acknowledge how we were sleeping but too comfortable and too tired to do anything about it so I turned the TV lower and placed one hand on his back where I rubbed soft circles and the other hand was still intertwined in his.

Harry was making me take all of the boundaries and things I once believed and request-ion them. What would happen if I opened up? If I completely let myself be vulnerable with another human besides my therapist and occasionally Gemma.

On one hand it could absolutely be the best thing ever. He could be exactly who I need and who I was made for. We could be made for each other.

On the other hand it's the fear of rejection, of opening myself up completely to be not be enough. It's not offering him a sane and normal life because my life isn't. It's wondering if I could be enough. When will my shit be too much. Will it be enough if I could never give him peace because I don't know what that word means. Will the pill bottles in the bathroom be too much? Will my depressive episodes drive him crazy? Will my manic phases exhaust him? Will it be enough, will I be enough? Me, just how I am?

Because I wasn't enough before and I moved countries because of that. The questions were too much for me to even think about and it made me not want to try at all. It made me want to push Harry away because the pain of us only ever being friends or becoming more for it not to work out is too much.

Maybe I shouldn't be spending as much time with him. In the end I'll only hurt him and I'll never forgive myself for hurting him. So I think I should start to keep my distance, I just don't know how when all I want is to be near him.

***
does anyone else relate to Camryn?

also, what are you're thoughts so far? i love reading your comments!

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love you all sooo much
kisses and hugs
ren