Peace [HS AU]

48. Camryn

listen to the song: Version of Me by Sasha Sloan and tell me who it reminds you of

"I can't do it, Moira. I love him too much for him to marry me and regret it because I can't give him kids. His eyes... When Gemma said she was pregnant and we looked at each other... There was so much hurt behind them. I'm hurting him and he loves me too much to let me go so he can have a woman who can give him kids and I love him too much to let him make that sacrifice."

"Camryn, it's his choice. You're taking his choice to choose you away from him. You can't decide for him if he's okay with not having biological children. Everything you told me sounds like he is so thrilled with the idea to adopt. Camryn... you're hurting and making decisions like this when all you feel is pain is dangerous."

I wiped the tears from my face and stared at the ring on my finger.

"I can't do this to him. He deserves to have a family."

"He can! He can have a family with you through adoption or fostering. Camryn, you haven't taken away the opportunity for you two to have a family. What happened to you in that surgery all those years ago was awful and not okay and the fact that they hid it is not okay. But you can still have children. You can still look a child in the eyes and give it all the love you have within you and raise that child to be an extraordinary human. You can do that with Harry. Please don't let the overwhelming pain you feel now make you leave the person who was made for you."

My session was up and I left.

Harry would still be at work despite his protests to stay home with me today. I didn't want him to miss anymore work.

I can't hurt him anymore. The past two months we've been in this grief bubble and he's okay now and it feels like he's just settling for me. I can't have him resent me in a few years when he wants his own child and I can't give him one.

Leaving Harry is the last thing I want to do. Moira was right I'm taking away his choice to choose and I can't do that either.

I don't know what to do.

I decided to walk home despite it being a 40 minute walk. I needed to clear my head. I needed to think.

The pain I was feeling was so overwhelming and my eyes were blurry from the tears. My pace was slow and I felt like I had to catch my breath because of all the crying.

I've accepted that I can't have children. It still hurts but Harry was right, adoption is always an option. And the thought of giving a home to a kid who maybe is stuck in a house like mine when I was younger, sounds good to be able to provide a better home. A home where I could love them and nurture them alongside Harry.

I know I could love a child that isn't biologically mine just like they are mine because they are. When you adopt you take an oath to protect and love that child and I know I can do that.

I just can't ask Harry to do that.

Harry is all I wanted but I can't have him. I can't let
myself let him not truly think this through. Is he genuinely okay with not having his own children? Or is he trying to ease my pain.

On the opposite side of the street from me is a young family. A man and woman with a small little girl. They were each holding one of the little girl's hands and you could see the resemblance between them. The little girl was tall for her age like her dad but had curly blonde hair like her mom.

She was a mixture of two people who love each other.

I've accepted I won't have that. That I can't give that to Harry. But I can't let him just give away something he's always wanted.

I'm second guessing everything because it isn't just me who's affected, it's him too.

I love him too much to be selfish anymore.

Harry has to choose what he wants. When he chooses to leave, because I think he will, it will hurt. It will be the hardest thing I'll ever go through. But he'll find someone new and they'll fall in love.

Fuck, just that thought felt like someone was stabbing me.

They'll fall in love and have their own kids and maybe one day I'll see Harry playing with his daughter and son and I'll know leaving was the right choice because he'll have his own family.

He'll be happy with his new partner and children. He'll forget about me.

I was hurting myself just thinking about this but I needed to prepare myself for his answer.

I needed to accept that he'll probably leave.

I love him so much. I'll never love anyone after, Harry. He was my soulmate.

When I walked up to our house I breathed heavily and tried to calm myself down. It just started to rain as I opened the door.

I knew what I had to do.

He wasn't home, so I walked into our bedroom and got out a piece of paper and a pen.

I wrote as much as I could through the tears and then placed the letter along with my ring and necklace next to it.

I hope he gives it to someone who deserves it.

Harry,
You're my sun.
You're my tomorrow.
You're my peace.
This ring symbolizes a commitment to each other that goes beyond worldly comprehension. This ring means we love each other unconditionally. And I do, Harry. I love you more than I ever imagined I could love another person. Loving you made me love myself and that has changed everything.
Harry, I love you more than anything which is why I can't marry you.

I want you to have a family Harry because I know it's what you want. You want kids and I can't give you that. I so desperately wish I could be everything for you but I saw the hurt in your eyes when Gemma said she was pregnant. You can't tell me you're okay with not having kids, I saw it that night.

Please know how helplessly and foolishly I am in love with you, Harry. I love you so much that I have to let you go and find true peace.

I never wanted us to end like this, Harry. I wanted to grow old with you. I wanted everything with you— I still do.

So, this ring is yours, Harry. Find a girl, tell her you love her, marry her, and have a family with her. I'm so sorry that I couldn't give you peace.

Peace
A concept of stillness
Of calmness
A feeling so foreign
Now, it's all I feel
Peace is—
Freedom
2 am drives
A balmy summer day
You
Peace is You
It's an oasis
It's serenity

love, love, love,
Camryn x

***
do you hate me?

also, would this be a good time to mention there's a sequel... or?

how are you feeling?

:)