Peace [HS AU]

21. Camryn

TW:
mentions of attempted suicide, self harm, etc.

Two weeks passed and this was one of those really low days. Harry came back for lunch, like he's done everyday but today I didn't want to eat. Of course he made me eat something so we shared some pasta. I ate two bites which he celebrated, "two is better than one," he gloated kissing my cheek. He got my medicine ready for me and made sure I took it before I ate.

Over the past two weeks I've been bathing in self-loathing. I hated everything about myself and was convinced Harry did too.

Moira was disappointed in me. She didn't say it but I could feel it. She also understood this was just my brain. She tried to have me think of one thing I love about myself and keep telling myself that thing to help me.

But I didn't love anything about me.

I wasn't lovable. That's what I've been told my whole life. The one person who told me they loved me was lying, I was sure of it. There was nothing about me that could another person could love.

When Harry was here part of me felt like a small child being taken care of and I hated it. It wasn't his fault, I am acting like a child. I hated feeling helpless. I hate myself.

I am a burden and so worthless, I can't even take care of myself. I keep thinking maybe things will get better but I know they won't. I'll always be this sad excuse of a human who's own family decided she was too much of burden and disowned her.

Part of me understands. I'm not worth it. I did terrible things and on top of that I'm plagued with a broken brain. Everything that happened back home was my fault. If I would just get over my depression then no one would have gotten killed. It's my fault I can't handle my brain.

I'm so selfish. I couldn't bring myself to get off the fucking couch and now she's dead. She's gone and everyone hates me. I hate me. She was an absolute ray of fucking sunshine and I took her away.

My head is screaming at me to just end it. I can't stop thinking about that night and even in my sleep I dream of what happened. I can still remember everything— every detail.

I can still smell the mahogany candle burning. The couch was plush and so soft as I laid there with light music playing in the background, I can still remember just staring at the flame from the candle while I laid on the couch. She was coming check on me because I hadn't gone to see her in a few days. She wanted to make sure I was okay. The roads were slippery and she needed new tires. She was 3 minutes from my apartment when she hydroplaned and flipped three times.

She was brain dead at the scene.

If I had just gotten up. If I had just went see her then she'd still be here. She'd still be radiating warmth onto everyone around her. I was such a fuck up who killed the one person everyone loved. Now they hate me.