Peace [HS AU]

19. Camryn

By Saturday my depression was in full gear and I told Harry. He had slept over again on Friday so when we woke up Saturday and he had a smile on his face I tried to match it before tears welled in my eyes.

"I'm so sorry," I said covering my face with my hands. "It's just, it's happening and I've never woken up with someone before during this. I just need a minute," I said getting out of bed and going to the restroom. I brushed my teeth although I didn't feel like it and I ran a cold towel over my face although I didn't feel like it.

I felt very open and exposed. Like I was in an auditorium and I was the main act. I felt very uncomfortable. Not because it's Harry but because I'm me and I don't know how to act right now. I just want to be alone and sleep.

I know I should be grateful that he's here and I'm not alone but all I'm used to is being alone, it's comfortable for me. I can feel my brain just shutting down my emotions and I don't feel like having to try right now. I don't even have the energy to ask him to leave. I'm just so tired.

The first day I'm fully in my cycle is always the hardest.

I made my way back after a few minutes and Harry didn't say anything. He opened his arms and told me we should sleep a little longer. He ran his hands soothingly against my back as he held me and he whispered words in my ear to lull my asleep. "You're so pretty and strong," he'd say and I could tell his words were genuine. "My beautiful, darling. I think you're amazing and I like you just as you are so much."

Eventually I fell asleep and I didn't expect it to be as restful as it was but I felt slightly better when I woke up. Neither Harry or I said anything but we were both awake. He ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my cheek and forehead every so often.

"I really think we should eat something," He murmured softly.

"I'm not hungry."

"I know, darling," his words were so soft I could tel he didn't know what I was feeling so he was treading lightly. "How about I make just some chicken for us, you can sit on the counter in the kitchen and just be a pretty face to watch," he smiled making me smile too. I nodded and he pulled me out of bed, not before planting a soft kiss on my lips and then leading me to the kitchen.

He placed both hands on my waist and hoisted me up on the counter. He moved around my kitchen with ease and I just watched him. I didn't have much energy to really say much so I just admired him. I tried to calm my brain from just wanting to ask him to leave. It's not really that I wanted him to leave but I'm sure feeling like you have to walk on egg shells around me and take care of me is exhausting. I'm just being a burden right now.

He hummed lightly as he cooked and when the chicken finally in the pot and he put the lid on and he stood in between my legs and placed his hands on my thighs.

I placed my hand on top of his which he intertwined our fingers and then looked up at me.

"I've never really had someone around. So, I don't really know what I'm supposed to do," I said lamely.

"I don't want you to act any certain way, I just want you to do what you normally do and I'll just do it with you."

"What if you get bored?"

"I think you underestimate me."

He lifted my chin with his fingers and made me look at him. "Hey," he said softly. "I just want to spend time with you, however you want that to happen. I just want to be with you. There's no pressure for you to say or do anything other than what you're feeling. If you want to sleep all day then that's what we'll do. If you want me to leave, I will. But, I'd really like to just be here. We don't have to say anything, I can just hold you."

Of course I started crying again and he just placed his forehead against mine and squeezed my hands. I didn't reply but I moved forward to lightly press my lips against his as a thank you.

I didn't have the heart to tell him to leave. He so badly just wanted to be here with me. I think he just felt bad for me, he probably thought I was being pathetic. I so desperately wanted to believe his words but part of me was so sure he would use this against me in the future. It's happened before, they took care of me and held it over my head as soon as they could.

But, I did feel comfort in just his presence, it was an overwhelming sense of peace just with him. So, if he wanted to hold it over my head later I would be okay with it because the feeling I have with him right now is enough to make me feel only slightly better. And feeling slightly better is better than when I first woke up.

The rest of our day was spent laying down as he held me and Good Girls played on the tv.

Despite having someone next to me to be here with me I felt more exhausted because I was so wrapped in my own thoughts and worried about what Harry was thinking.

Around 3 I decided I wanted to go for a walk, I wanted fresh air. Despite feeling sleepy and not wanting to do anything other than lay on the couch I really didn't want Harry to get annoyed or mad with me. I just wanted to make sure he wouldn't get tired of laying around. I was exhausted worrying about the both of us and my brain was starting to hurt.

I sat on the couch while he moved to the kitchen and I assumed he making some tea for us. I cuddled up with the blanket I saw and said a small thank you when he placed the tea on the table in front of me.

He wrapped me in his arms and we just laid there. "How are you feeling?"

"I think the walk was nice, I'm trying to be considerate about you, I don't want you to get restless."

He frowned as he looked at me and I was worried I said something wrong. "You don't need to worry about me, let me just take care of you. If I get restless, I'll tell you and go for a walk or a run or something. But don't let that make you even more exhausted, just worry about how you're doing, okay?"

"You didn't probably expect this when you said hi all those weeks ago," I laughed grabbing my tea.

"No, I didn't but I also don't regret it at all, I like being here for you. I like being that person for you."

"I like you being that person too," I smiled giving him a short kiss and ignoring all the feelings that I'm a burden.

It was only day 1 and I knew it would only get worse but for the first day it was surprisingly better than I anticipated it would be. I mean, it started off a little rough mentally but it ended with me feeling okay. I just hoped Harry understood the long road ahead of us and that some days I literally wouldn't get out of bed.

I hope he stays but I understand if he chose to leave.

I'd leave me if I could.