Close | A Spencer Reid Story

18. Reflection

Spencer's POV

Rubbing my eyes as I wake up I felt a weight on my chest.

I peered down and saw a hand sprawled across my bare chest.

I followed the trail of skin until I saw JJ peacefully sleeping beside me.

Oh God.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

What have I done?

I peeled back the covers and slowly moved JJ off me and slid as discreetly as I could out of the bed and towards the bathroom.

I stepped straight into the shower, letting the scalding water wash over my body. I don't know what I was expecting, but the water didn't wash away my sins. In fact, it just made my spirit crack more with guilt. On top of that my arm was stinging under the bandages.

The walls around me started to cave in, compressing me.

Abruptly, I stopped the water and skipped out of the shower. I needed to get out as soon as I could. I threw on water clothes I could find in such a hurry, that water droplets from hair dripped down my neck and onto my collar.

As I hurried out, I spotted my phone on the floor. I ducked down, scooped it up and scurried out of the room, leaving JJ behind, blissfully unaware.

I was sweating for no reason. My heart rate was elevated. My temperature was raised. My head was throbbing. Was I ill?

Who was I kidding? The guilt was eating me alive. I could feel my stomach acid gnawing away at my insides.

I made my way to a coffee shop, hoping it would provide me some type of distraction.

I traced the reflections in my coffee as it sat before me, unable to bring myself to touch it.

My leg involuntarily bounced up and down.

For the first time I peeked at my phone. I was praying that JJ wouldn't have contacted me.

To my relief she hadn't.

On the other hand, I had I noticed a call from Y/N and a message. My finger wavered over the keyboard. But what would I say?

I had nothing of substance to say.

I flung my head down into my palms. I'm sure the people around me were concerned at my behaviour.

I abandoned my coffee, after barely drinking more than a couple of sips. I made my way back to my hotel room, imagining and reimagining what I would find when I got back.

I quietly opened the door, trying to sneak into the room. My eyes went straight to the empty bed. I closed the door and leaned back against the door with a sigh of relief.

That was until I saw JJ perched on the couch, peering at me in embarrassment.

"I... I'm so sorry," she burst out.

My teeth snapped down on the skin inside my mouth. "It's not just your fault JJ." I shook my head and walked over to her and plonked down on the couch too. "It takes two to tango," I grimaced.

"What do we do now?" JJ asked after a suffocating silence.

"What do you want to do?" Because I honestly had no clue.

"I... I don't think I can pretend it didn't happen," JJ confessed.

"Nor can I," I replied slowly.

"So..."

"So?" I raised my eyebrow in expectation.

"I just want you to know that I don't expect anything from this Spence."

What was she talking about? Expect what?

"And I won't speak a word of this to anyone. Don't worry."

"Why would I worry?" I enquired.

"About Y/N," she clarified.

"Oh... right." Just as I was ready to go on, JJ cut me off.

"I should go and pack." She strode towards the door. "I'll see you on the jet."

"Yeah," I agreed, courteously standing up as she left the room.

We did see each other on the jet, but we avoided eye contact at all costs. We sat as far away from each other as we could.

After landing, I ambled back to the BAU.

"You can go home Reid." Emily called out as she locked her office. "You deserve some time off."

"I just want to get a head start."

"Reid. Go home. Rest up." Emily disapprovingly looked at me.

"Okay." I told her that just to get her off my back.

I went on to stay at my desk until the time approached midnight.

As I yawned, I made the decision that I should leave. The whole time I was at my desk, I was focusing less on work and more on determining what I should reply to Y/N.

It was on the way home that I decided to take a detour and stop by at Y/N's. I'm not sure why. But that's exactly what I did.

Standing outside her front door, I waited to see if she would open the door. It was taking longer than usual. I fished around my wallet and produced the key she had given me for her apartment.

Opening the door, the apartment was sunk in darkness and not a noise could be heard.

I dropped my bag down on the table and made my way toward the bedroom. Inside, Y/N was asleep on the bed, her chest raising and falling slowly. On top of her Ipad was still on, the dim light shining onto her face.

I cleared the bed putting her things on the bedside table. I adjusted the covers around her tucking her in.

She stirred, flipping over as I did. She caught my arm before I walked away. "Spencer?" she sleepily asked.

"Yeah. Go to sleep. Sorry for disturbing you."

"No, it's fine. Your arm..."

"I'm fine," I reassured her, but my voice gave me away. Little did she that wasn't because of my arm.

"No, you're not," she quite rightly deduced.

I exhaled heavily. Then I pulled back the cover sliding in next to her, as she snuggled into me. A tear streamed down my cheek.

I had already hurt her. I couldn't hurt her over and over again. Staying away from her was the best thing I could do for everyone. Holding onto her I was content. But evidently that wasn't enough.

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Sorry for the slow upload. 

Waking up at 4:30am every day finally caught up with me. 

I'll try to be consistent.