Never Ending Thoughts(Collection of Poems and random thoughts)

Untitled Part 32

Lately , I've once again began to live inside of my head. Continuously playing scenarios that haven't even occurred yet over and over trying to convince myself of something that isn't even there.  I've had a hard time trying to focus on the simplest of things. Like simply going to sleep before the sun rises the next morning. But , I'm not letting it affect me as negatively this time around. I guess I'm so experienced with the lack of sleep at this point , its like a muscle memory on what I need to do in order to get back to my "regular" sleeping schedule. But , somehow , it's not working this time. Im more tired than ever it seems , and just can't seem to get the timing right this time. Every little thing is beginning to annoy me once again. All the noise. The people around me. Even my fucking dogs. Given the fact that I've also been stuck at home for the past week , which is a long fucking time for someone like me that needs to be out and about doing the things that I love every other day , like simply going for runs and playing basketball , maybe hitting the gym and lifting some weights or simply just going on long walks , or finding new places to just roam around and explore. The lack of money certainly isn't helping either , but that's mostly my fault cause I don't have a job right now , and I'm tired of leeching off of my mother , who is great by the way for letting me stay at her place and eat all her food and listen to me complain like a little bitch about all of my problems and how my life is so horrible at times , knowing that she has a life of her own and her worries and problems are far greater than mine. Like having one son at home who doesn't really help her out much with the bills or anything  because half of the time , I'm too fucking depressed and sad and angry at myself , and the world around me to get out of my mind and back into reality and simply go out and get a job and man the fuck up. I mean , I do still have hobbies like I stated before , and I still do go out and do things , but I just feel like I need to step it up a notch at this point in my life and help my moms out a little more with all that she's done for me and my brother. Oh yeah. I completely forgot. My brother. Well , he's in jail again. And this time it might be for a while. I honestly feel so sad about my brothers situation , but I know I can't let I get to me too much. But oh boy , has his life been one butt fuck by the world. I hope he's able to catch a break and really get to just enjoy life and become something of himself as well. I've been praying for him lately. I just want us to finally win for once. We deserve a fucking win in life. After all that we've been through. God knows that. 

I heard on a tv show that I've been watching recently , 'Dare Devil' , about how in the bible , there's the book of Job. And how he's God's most loyal follower ever. About how he never misses a prayer , with his face all in the dirt , sacrificing his goat livestock for all of his children. 10 to be exact. And yet , God kills every single one of his children. Burns them down , right before Job himself. And he then proceeds to lash at the skin of Job , leaving him bloody and full of marks and scars,  yet Job , never curses God's name and remains obedient and loyal. The character in the tv show goes on to say how Job is a pussy for not standing up for himself and continuing to love God and respect and what not , even after all the hell that God put him through. And I agree. Whole heartedly. Even though I still too , pray every chance the I get, and try to do the "right" thing in my eyes , and continue to be a believer a God , and thank him for every single one of my blessings. There are still many things that I suffer with each and every single day. Which in turn cause me to question God's ways. And my life entirely. Even though I know half the time I put myself in these situations , what about the other half? What about the things that have been completely out of my control? What about the mistakes I made because I didn't know any better? Because all my life , I had to teach myself how to be a man? I had to teach myself how to damn near survive really. I've been on my own for the longest fucking time. And since I can remember , I've had to dig myself out of holes the others put me in. 

But once again , I find faith in different things each and every single day. So I'm honestly completely conflicted on where I stand in this life with the big guy upstairs. Or where ever the fuck he's at. 

All I know is, at times I'm more blessed than I can even understand. 

And at other times , I'm living in hell. 

I guess I just got to see it through , and continue to live on. Not for no one , but myself. Because my life matters to me. I matter to me. I am my hero. I am my God. And I love myself.