Never Ending Thoughts(Collection of Poems and random thoughts)

just a bunch of words

Lately , I've been having a hard time. A hard time putting myself together after I get up out of bed. I still wake up and pray , so that lets me know that I haven't completely given up on myself. But , I just don't know what to pray for anymore. Although , I still give thanks for being alive everyday. I just don't know what words I need to say anymore while praying. Because I don't want to talk to God and say a bunch of false things , when She literally knows everything. I want to know what to talk to her about. I want to be able to tell her my truth. I want to be able to pray for the "right" things in life. Not out of simply just praying , to say that I prayed today. I guess I just want to finally know my purpose. I want to finally break out of my shell and do what I was meant to be doing. I continuously find myself , telling myself , don't be who they want you to be , be who you were meant to be. Don't be like anyone else , just be yourself. But you see. Thats the thing. Im lost. I don't know who I am anymore. Maybe before I did. But I don't think I do anymore. I think that I've strayed too far away from who I was years ago. And I don't mind it honestly. But it's just left me lost and unknowing of myself now. Ive been doing the same thing everyday for about a month now. Sleeping in late. Wasting away the light of the day and staying awake through the dark of the night. Maybe I am just avoiding the outside and all the people , because I don't feel worthy of being in the presence of others , or the world. I don't know why I feel this way. Maybe it's because I lost my job. Yet again. And I'm broke. Yet again. And I don't really have anything to look forward to these days when I wake up. Sometimes I wake up excited. To sit down and get high and play video games all day. Like I was 16 all over again. But then I realize. Hey , you're not 16 anymore. You're 23 now. You can't go back in time and do that all over again. You need to get up. Find a passion. Make something of yourself. Go and get a job. Go and work on yourself. Find a hobby. Just do something with your time. Don't waste it on what people think. Stop depending on your mother. When you barely even help her out with all these real life things that grownups have to deal with. Like paying bills. Or taking care of kids. Or working for 8 hours a day 5 days a week just to survive. The truth is. This life shit ain't easy. You only get stronger and more resilient to it. You need to adapt to the times around you. You need to start paying attention to whats going on , and how the rest of the people around you are making things happen for themselves. You need to get out of your comfort zone and realize that you're the one that needs to make things happen for yourself. Even though sometimes you feel too sick , or too tired , or too drained.Or you have a bad day, or a bad week. Shit maybe even a bad month or two. It's okay to give yourself time to cry and feel bad for yourself and even live in the sorrows for a little bit. BUT.  You still need to allow yourself to grow. Prosper. Flourish. Succeed. Go after what you feel like is yours. Because in due time. You can have it all. And before you know it. Your life changes for the better. And you will look back one day. And thank yourself , for not giving up. Even when you felt like you couldn't keep going. You did.