Never Ending Thoughts(Collection of Poems and random thoughts)

i really fucked up this time

I don't know exactly where to start. But all I know is that I really fucked up this time. And for some people who think that this is all just a game. When I literally put my life and my freedom on the line to protect them. I can't remember at all exactly what I did. But I do remember all how it felt. And boy was that shit painful. Not only did my body feel it , but so did my mind , my soul , my spirit. I don't know how the fuck it got to this point. All I know is that it did. And honestly , in that moment in time , I've never been more afraid for my life. But now that I've had time to process it. All I can say is that , it is what it is. I don't regret anything because I must've done would I did for a reason. I just can't quite remember it , for the love of God, will I ever catch a damn break? Will this be the rest of my life forever? Or will the universe and life allow me to move on and make something of my self. I hate feeling useless and like I don't bring anything to the table. And it's not even that I want to feel useful to someone else , but I want to feel like I'm something to myself. I want to actually get up and have a purpose for myself. I want to , no I need to get my life back. I feel as if someone has taken in from me and like if they're in control of everything. And that is the worst feeling possible. I hate this feeling because it literally makes me sick to my stomach not being in control of my own life. I feel like if I'm just one big dumb puppet and they're pulling all the fucking strings. And the wrong ones at that. And the worst part of this all is that I feel like they're having a blast while I'm suffering day in and day out. Not knowing if I'm going to be able to literally make it from one day to the next. My heart hurts , and not to sound like a pussy , but I'm so fucking tired of the same Ole shit. For fucks sake. Anyways , enough complaining. I got to give thanks for today for the food I was able to eat. The shower I was able to take. And the things I was able to do. Besides all the other shit. I am still truly grateful. But it's getting hard to maintain my faith in God and all , with the stupid shit I have to deal with daily. But hey , we got to 'keep moving forward' , right?