Never Ending Thoughts(Collection of Poems and random thoughts)

Untitled Part 99

I think the worst part about being depressed , is the feelings that come with it. The second worst part is missing out on the life you have right in front of you. The only thing it seems that you are able to do , is count the days. Simply just laying there. Rotting in front of your own eyes. And the worst thing about it , is you know that you are letting the people you love so dearly , down. How can I be so selfish to let myself get dug into this black hole. How can I be so selfish that I do not want anything better for my life. Why must my mother be the one to suffer for me as well. Why do I make her feel as if though she has not done anything right for me. That's the worst part of it all. I wish I was the kind of man that gets up every morning and conquers the day. I wish I was the kind of man , that is able to provide for his family. The one that enables a better future for not only myself , but for them as well. The thing that frustrates me the most is that I am unable to do any damn thing about it. In all reality , its harder than you think. But in my mind , i still feel like I can. Like I can be great. Like I can make my dreams come true. Like I can still buy my mom that house. Like i still can have children and a family of my own. But I just don't know where to begin. My faith grows more weary every day. But I still have not given up . I still pray , as if I already have the blessings. But as the days go on , and I see nothing , it gets hard to remain faithful. I don't want to lay in my bed anymore . Just wasting away my precious time. Im in my 20's and I'm suppose to be having the time of my life right now. We live in a moment in time , where there's so much money being made by all these young and old people alike. And I think it makes me even sadder , that I am not one of those. Like what am I doing wrong ? Where along my life did I fail ? Am I just that fucking stupid ? Or is my life suppose to play out this way ?