𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒅 𝑺𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒔 • yeonbin & taegyu ✓

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°•𝖙𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖌𝖊𝖗 𝖜𝖆𝖗𝖓𝖎𝖓𝖌 • paranoia, trauma, mental illness•°

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𝕾𝖔𝖔𝖇𝖎𝖓 let out a relieved sigh after he left kai's room, the male was okay and his arm was not infected. minutes before he had gone to taehyun's room too, to see how he was, and even if really exhausted, the shorter was as fine as he could be. knowing the two were okay made the tallest feel more at easy, just like seeing his brother so focused on taking care of them that his mind was busy, helping him to not drown in his depression.

the male then went to his room, wanting to rest a little, the last days were too tiring and chaotic and now that they finally left the community, it was easier to rest properly. he opened the door and saw yeonjun laying down, shirtless like always, while looking at the wood ceiling.

"are you okay, junnie?" the said male didn't avert his eyes from the ceiling, only humming in response.

soobin smiled sadly and went closer, sitting on yeonjun's lap, with a leg on each side of the male. he ran his fingers through the black haired skin, feeling the scars on his fingertips.

"are you feeling better now that we left the clinic? you were having nightmares every time you tried to sleep."

"i guess." yeonjun looked at the younger, memorizing his soft features all again. he didn't know how soobin could love someone like him when he deserved way more. either way he was glad, he wanted the male, and he was selfish enough to not let him go.

"do you want to talk about it?" soobin ran his index finger gently through the older's biggest scar, he knew it was the one that affected the other the most.

"no." it was coldly spoken and it made the taller stop his hand for a second, taken aback.

"sorry." soobin took his hand off the male's skin, thinking he was bothering yeonjun.

"don't be." the black haired held the younger's hand gently, putting it back on his abs in a request for the male to not stop what he was doing before. "it's not your fault."

"i know, i just wish i could help."

"you're helping, bunny." the black haired raised his torso, sitting on the bed and holding soobin by the waist with a hand while the other caressed the younger's face. "more than you think."

soobin closed his eyes, enjoying the caress on his cheek, he always loved when yeonjun was gentle like that, i made him feel like the most important person in the world. the male still craved for the three words though, he almost wished yeonjun would say them even if it was a lie. it didn't seem like he was going to, though.

"i know you're tired, go to sleep, bunny." the older laid the brown haired on the bed, pecking his lips after and seeing the male nod softly, closing his eyes after, but not before pulling yeonjun to lay beside him and hugging the male.

the black haired averted his eyes, feeling guilty. he liked soobin, more than he wanted to admit, but he knew he could never make the male happy, nor he could ever be the person he deserved and needed. yeonjun was putrid from inside out, he would probably only hurt soobin more and more, and he hated himself for it.

yeonjun hated he couldn't be someone that soobin deserved. he hated how he could never actually let the younger see him fully, because he was a monster. he hated that he couldn't let the male go and hated how he couldn't make soobin happy.

the black haired hated even more that soobin loved him, because he was definitely not worthy enough of his love, even if he wished he was.

soobin was the most beautiful thing yeonjun ever saw or touched, he was beautiful on the outside just as much as he was in the inside. the prettiest flower the black haired ever knew, and his favorite one too. the younger was the only piece of life yeonjun had on his mind and heart, because the rest was just death, anger and hate.

if soobin was a flower, yeonjun would probably be the prague eating it alive. and he didn't want it, but he couldn't stop.

the black haired got up, leaving soobin alone on the bed. he needed to take a breath because he felt too disgusted of himself in that moment, hiding how rotten he was so soobin wouldn't stop loving him, how disgusting could that be? a lot, the answer was a lot.

everything he was feeling only added to the same uneasiness he had been feeling the last days. it seemed to be getting worse each day and it was hard to ignore now, yeonjun still tried to though. he spent months with the others, it was safe to assume they didn't want to hurt him, right? wrong.

because last time he trusted the doctor too, and look at him now.

cut all over, hurt, traumatized, paranoiac, unstable, depressed, dead inside, violent and tormented.

it was all because of trust.

could he really be sure the others wouldn't hurt him? no. could he guarantee they saw him as a friend of some sort? no. could he trust they wouldn't try anything? no. could he even trust them? no. could he be sure everything wouldn't happen again? no.

no. no. no. no. no.

the male started to feel his scars itching, the feeling way too familiar already. he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm down, and fortunately, this time it worked. but it didn't take the paranoia away, and all of sudden he was just as suspicious as he was months before.

yeonjun was back to square one.

in seconds, all the trust, the relationship he built with the others and his comfort around them, went away. it took seconds for yeonjun to forget everything he tried hard to do in the last months.

one thought, one day, one event and the male was drowned in his trauma again.

it was cruel. he tried, harder than he ever did. tried to trust them, to get used to them, to get close to them, to be better for soobin and to protect soobin. and it was all for nothing, because the past would always haunt and get him, whispering in his mind everything that happened before, reminding him, terrifying him and breaking him, over and over again.

they will lock you.

they will hurt you.

they will kill you inside
and leave you body alive.

so don't trust anyone.

don't. trust. anyone.

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