Home is not a house

Chapter 80

Tw: Self harm, depressive episode, past abuse, talk of ED and food, past suicide attempt, panic attack, breakdown, dissociation and past dissociation episode

Note: Reminder that Tommy's dissociation does not come from DID but instead comes from Dissociation derealization disorder (not that anything is wrong with DID it's just Tommy doesn't have it in this book)

Later that day Tommy woke up still in the bed with Ranboo and Tubbo. They were both still asleep and Tommy slipped out of the bed as quietly as he could.

The room was empty besides them, and the lights had been turned off in the room but were still on in the hallway. Outside the window Tommy could see it was dark out, Tommy walked over to stare out at the city down below, then looked up towards the stars.

He looked up for a moment, seeing stars he normally didn't see at home. He thought about the last time he laid on the roof to look at the stars. He then thought about the time that there was too much snow on the roof so he couldn't climb out onto it.

Wait, when was that?

Tommy froze for a moment as he tried to think about when that was. After Christmas his window was locked, but there wasn't snow before Thanksgiving. Was this a memory from the dissociation episode?

He tried to think more, and he suddenly remembered laying in bed, watching all the texts from Wilbur roll in as he spammed him to talk to them. He remembered staring up at the ceiling as he cried from the pain in his shoulder. He remembered ignoring the knocking at his door from Tubbo and Ranboo.

Tommy shook his head, not wanting to believe what was going on in his brain. There was no way he'd suddenly remember something from the dissociation episode, that's not how it works. Right?

Tommy snuck over to the chair that held his shoes and coat and grabbed his phone. He opened up google and typed in

"Remembering things from a dissociation episode"

And up popped articles talking about breaks in dissociative amnesia. It talked about how memories during dissociation episodes aren't entirely gone, but more like tucked in the back space of your brain, sometimes they come back to you.

Tommy began to hyperventilate for a moment, This wasn't happening. He shouldn't be able to remember these things, he shouldn't just suddenly start remembering.

Quietly in his panic Tommy slipped out of the room. He went in the opposite direction of the waiting room where he knew Techno, Wilbur and Phil would be and just kept going. Eventually he began to sprint away, not sure quite where he was going.

He ended up in the small church in the hospital, he tucked himself in one of the corners of the dark room. He began to cry as he felt like he couldn't breathe, terrified of how he was just remembering these things.

He shouldn't be able to remember them. What if he told people he remembered things and they called him a liar? What if they thought he was faking it? What if his family hated him for remembering these things and got mad at him for wasting their time?

His crying turned into sobbing and he tucked his head into his knees to try and muffle the sound. He was shaking and he felt like the world around him was coming to an end. He could have been dying in that moment and wouldn't even know, just so focused on what was happening in his brain.

He missed the sound of a door opening, but soon there were arms wrapped around him softly. He peered up from his knees and saw Tubbo sitting there.

"Tubbo." Tommy sobbed as he wrapped himself around Tubbo. Tubbo let him do it and just hugged Tommy tighter.