Even If It Hurts -H.S. AU

15

I spent the entire weekend thinking about Harry.

The day we spent together Friday, the fight we had and especially when he kissed me.

It would be fair to assume I'd be more concerned with mourning the loss of my three year relationship-friendship with Alex. Drowning my sorrows in a bucket of ice cream and vodka watching rom-coms alone in my apartment, or spending copious amounts of money on things I don't need to fill some kind of void his absence has left. But I'm actually not thinking about him really at all.

Friday was a fucking whirlwind. It started with me finding out my boyfriend has been boning his secretary for months, and ended with me yelling at my first love in the street before we shared the most intense, passionate kiss I've ever experienced in my life. That's a lot to take in, in one day.

I can't put into words everything I was feeling when I left Harry on the sidewalk and closed the door behind me. The emotions were overwhelming and came in waves. Disbelief, hurt, anger, excitement, and lots of fear.

Fear that I made the wrong decision signing that contract. That being this close to him again is too dangerous for me. That my personal relationship with him could affect my career. That maybe we wouldn't be able to work out our issues and resolve them. Most of all though, the biggest thing I'm afraid of, is losing him again.

After we broke up, I left for school almost immediately, and was incredibly lonely. I spent months isolating myself from my friends and my family. I also definitely wasn't open to meeting anyone new. I threw myself into school and my silly little cafe job, just to give me something else to focus on. For years my life was school, work, sleep, repeat. It was how I coped, trying to be too busy to feel.

It was in the few hours I had to myself after work, before I fell asleep, that were the hardest. That's when the memories would come. It felt like I was dreaming, but I was awake, my eyes were open. On the other hand, when I would sleep, the nightmares were like I was put right back into the worst moments of my life. I was running on empty the entire time at the institute. I obviously was able to retain what I learned, but everything else, the faces I saw and the things I did in between are mostly just a blur.

I worked really hard to be numb for years. I self medicated with weed and over the counter sleeping pills, which I thought sufficed fine. It wasn't until I went home for a week over Christmas my second year, that Cas convinced me to see someone.

I had one of the worst nightmares I've ever experienced the first time I slept in my old room after I left. I think the nostalgia of being back in my house, and hometown, and everything that came with that, proved to be too much for me to handle. To this day, I get chills just thinking about it.

I've always had very vivid dreams, it can be a blessing or a curse. Typically my dreams about Harry are a memory, or a vision of what our life would've been like had things been different. They're pleasant, despite being painful. The nightmares always have to do with Johnny. Him hitting me, attempting to sexual assault me, or trying to kill me in that park.

This time, they merged together.

The fear I felt in this nightmare was because of Johnny, it was him following me with the knife in his hand, I was sure of it. The only difference was he looked like Harry. Instead of running from him, I tried to plead with him, convince him he didn't mean to do this and it was a big mistake. That he loved me and we could figure it out.

I remember the look on his face before he grabbed me in the dream. His hands felt like Harry's, but his eyes were Johnny's. Cold and dark. Empty. And then he stabbed me.

I woke up to Cas shaking me awake as I screamed at the top of my lungs. I was trembling and sweaty, fighting against him with everything I had, convinced he was my attacker.