Even If It Hurts -H.S. AU

70

I inhale sharply and feel around on the bed, furrowing my brows when I find it empty. I swear Harry was in it with me when I feel asleep.

"He's with his mom, honey."

My eyes fly open at the sound of my dad's knowing voice. I blink a few times through the blurriness and when my eyes land on his, everything Harry told me last night comes rushing back.

"Dad-" I sob and sit up in bed to throw my arms around his shoulders. I bury my face in his neck and my tears stain his faded old shirt.

"I know, sweetheart." He says gruffly and holds the back of my head as I cry.

"Johnny came back- I didn't know he was there." My words come out borderline incoherent, but I can't stop them. "Harry found me and he-he-"

"It's okay, it's okay." He says softly and pulls back to look at me. He places his hands on either side of my face and I can't stop the tears cascading from my eyes.

"Dad, I was-" I inhale sharply, unable to even say it out loud. He nods his head, his eyes welling with moisture as he looks at me.

"I know, baby." He says softly.

"You do?"

"When I got here," he starts to explain and runs a hand through his disheveled hair, "I found Harry a mess, alone in the hallway. I made him tell me what was wrong. Don't be upset with him for it."

"Oh, I'm not..." I exhale a breath of relief and attempt to wipe the wetness from my face, "I'm glad he had someone to talk to about it. He had to sit with that knowledge alone for three days."

A sob climbs out of my throat and I cover my mouth with my hand. My dad wraps his arm around my back and holds me against his chest again.

"He was trying to be strong for me." I say, my words muffled against his shirt. "He didn't want me to see how much this has hurt him, but I could see it in his eyes, dad. I've never seen them so empty."

"Sweetheart, look at me." He says firmly, but in a soft tone of voice. I pull my head up from his chest and he sits back down in his chair at my bedside.
"He's worried about you." He says with a soft smile. "Every moment of the day, he's consumed with making sure you're alright."

"He killed someone." A silent tear falls down my face when the words leave my mouth. "Despite the circumstances around it, I know it's tearing him up inside, and I don't know how to help him."

"I couldn't have asked for a better man to take care of my daughter." He says, taking my hand in his. "What he did, even though it's something no one should have to do, it was necessary to keep you safe. If your brother or I were in his shoes, we would've done the exact same thing."

"Dad, I love him." I whisper as my voice wavers. "I just don't know where we go from here. How are we supposed to heal from this?"

"Oh, honey, you two will be okay." He says assuredly.

"I didn't-" I exhale a shaky breath and stare down at our hands, "I didn't know it could hurt so badly losing something I wasn't aware I had."

"Were you..." he hesitates and I look up at him, "were you trying?"

I shake my head no and a tear slides down my cheek. I reach up to wipe it away.

"We've talked about kids before, but it was always something for the future." I shake my head in disbelief. "It didn't even occur to me that it was possible for the future to be much sooner than I thought." I hang my head as more tears fall. "And now it's just gone."

"I'm sorry, Vile." He whispers, his voice thick with emotion. "If I could take this pain from the both of you, baby, I would."

"Will you go get him for me?" I ask softly and he nods his head. "I just- I need to see him."