Mr. Moneybags | jb

Chapter 54 - What have I done?

Soon it was all over and Justin took me home. I felt extremely exhausted. My whole family had been in attendance and Suzy and Rico were kind enough to translate the hearing for Justin so he understood what was going on. Still though nobody knew what happened between me and Carlos in that room and they were all more than curious to find out.

On the car journey back to my house I dosed off on Justin's shoulder. The others followed us to my place. When we got home we all sat down for a meal. Sinje had cooked my favorite pasta.

Everyone chatted and once again I zoned out. All the while I got concerned looks and I knew they were dying to know what I had discussed with Carlos, what the outcome was, how I felt about it and so on but I just couldn't handle it. I couldn't tell them - as horrible as I felt. For the first time in my life I officially hated myself. Speaking about it would only make it worse, because it would make it real. So I kept quiet not saying a word. I had not spoken to anyone other than Dr. Meyer ever since the hearing was over.

It all got too much - the stares, the conversations about irrelevant and insignificant subjects and I felt that I needed an out. Justin was watching me like a hawk so I excused myself to the lay down but instead took the elevator to the parking garage. Soon I sat in my Fiat 500 and was on my way. Of course I shouldn't have been driving but there was no other way I'd get a moment to myself. Without a plan or a place to head to I drove through the city consumed in guilt.

Before I knew it I found myself on the Autobahn approaching the place where the accident took place. I changed on to the emergency lane and slowed down until I came to a stop. Next I turned on the hazard lights and got out to climb across the guardrail and walk toward the small crosses that were placed next to the road.

With tears streaming down my face I knelt next to them and cried until no tears were left to shed. Slowly I fell to my side and lay there watching the crosses and the cars behind them in a fetal position. Everything hurt. Why did I forgive him? I had absolutely no right to do that. Hating him is what I should be doing. Now they're probably hating me right back. My guilty conscience was eating me up inside. Remorse was all I felt while mentally begging them to love me still. I officially hated myself. They probably weren't even watching me anymore. Maybe I would feel closer to them at the cemetery. Yeah. This is where I should be going.

The little strength I had left was used to prep my heavy body up and get back to the car. Sitting in the driver seat I noticed my phone next to me. It was vibrating violently on the passenger seat. They had noticed my leaving and I had missed calls and a ton of text messages. Fair enough, I had been gone for almost an hour.

"I'm okay. Don't worry. I love you." Was the only reply I shot to my boyfriend. Part of me felt sorry to leave him hanging and making him worry yet again, but there was no other way.

Turning off the hazard lights I started the car again and gradually gained speed before changing back into the right lane. Without knowing how I got there I found myself outside the cemetery thirty minutes later.

Soon enough I stood at their grave. Suzy had done a great job looking after it. There were flowers of all colors including Mama's favorite white roses. Also three candles were lit to remind the world there used to be three more people in it. The grave stood out because it was so very beautifully and neatly done. Apart from the flowers the huge stone cross with their three names, birth dates and the date of the accident engraved stood out among the other gravestones. I sat down on the little bench I had bought to spend time with them.

I'm so sorry. I had no right to forgive him, I know that. Please don't hate me. I can't live knowing you guys hate me. I still love you so much and miss you every single day. Life without you is a pain, but I'm managing. There are a lot of great people in my life and I should feel blessed to have them instead of regretting that you're not here with me or I'm not with you. Tears were streaming down my face yet again.