When the Sun Begins to Die

Chapter 24

Josh P.O.V

Several days have gone by and I don't feel my emotions beginning to decline. If anything, they're getting worse. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to see anyone, I just want to hide away.

'Perhaps this is how Cadence feels most of the time. I think I've been putting him through hell by trying to get him to interact more. I know how he works; he shuts people out. I must be torturing him by making him socialize. Now I know how he feels. He wants to be alone and I haven't been accepting that fact. Perhaps I should start.'

I take out my phone and see that there is still no service of any kind. I don't care. I decide to text my family anyway.

I text my mother first. I tell her that I love her and that I should have been a better son. That I'm sorry for all the shit I put her through and that she deserved better.

I text my father next. I tell him that I'm sorry for not trying harder in sports like he wanted. That I'm sorry I decided to pursue my own dreams instead of being a reincarnation of his. I'm sorry that I wasn't the son he wanted me to be.

Finally, I text my sister. I apologize for embarrassing her in front of her friends so often and for ratting her out to our parents for sneaking out at night. I should have let her live while she had the time.

All of the messages I have sent say they are sending, but I know that they will never reach their phones. They are probably nothing but dust now. After about ten minutes a pop-up message appears, telling me that the messages failed to send.

Out of frustration I throw my phone against the wall and break down in tears. I would give anything to have one more day with my family. I would sell my soul to Lucifer himself, just to have one more day with them.

I pull at my hair and rock gently on my bed. I don't care about anything at the moment. The only thing I feel is self-loathing.

'I deserve to hate myself for the rest of time. I was a horrible son and a horrible brother. I was never good enough to please anyone. I should have tried harder to be better. I could have done so much more. My family deserved someone better than me.'

I hit my head against the wall on my side of the room. Some small part of me knows that this will accomplish nothing, but the rest of me wants to give myself brain damage so I can forget this horrid life.

I bash my head into the wall for several minutes before Cadence enters the room and pulls me away. I don't bother to struggle.

He rocks us both gently and petting my hair. My head hurts from where I've been hitting it, but I don't care. Cadence doesn't want me to feel upset.

"It's okay," he says softly, "it's okay."

I nod slowly. A small part of me believes him. I want it to be okay, but that will only happen if I try. Things are not going to get better if I keep lying in bed and sulking.

'I'm going to make things better.'