When the Sun Begins to Die

Chapter 25

Cadence P.O.V

The day I have been dreading since the very beginning has finally come. I am on my last testosterone pill. This is my worst nightmare.

I dart down the stairs and head to the kitchen early in the morning. No one is down here yet. I throw the pill in my mouth and wash it down with water.

I slump up the stairs and sigh, closing the door once I reach my bedroom. I slide down against the wall and hug my knees, curling into a ball.

'This is the worst pain I could imagine. I have no more testosterone pills. My dysphoria is going to spiral out of control and make me want to die slowly and painfully. I cannot take that pain again. Putting me on testosterone was the only way my parents could ease my suicidal tendencies. Now without them, I know that they will come back stronger than before. There is no stopping them.'

I rock slowly and cry. Josh isn't here because he has been volunteering at the infirmary for the past couple of weeks. He is finally beginning to make things better for him just as things get worse for me.

I cry in my own ball of self-loathing until my eyes burn and my stomach aches. I crawl into bed after a while and bury myself in the blankets. I would rather disappear into the vast loneliness of the unknown than stay here and suffer from my dysphoria.

'Nothing can help with my dysphoria. I've tried a lot of things. Nothing helped but my pills. Now I no longer have them. This will not be good for me. I know how my body works. My mind is going to spiral into the dark places once more. This time I fear I may not be able to make it out alive.'

I fold my pillow around my face and sob into it. I don't know what to do. Normally I can figure out how to solve a problem, but this one has me stumped. I don't know what to do about it.

'I need more pills. That is the only solution my mind can conjure up. Unfortunately, I believe that is impossible. I don't have access to the infirmary and I'm sure they keep all the medication on lock down. I would never be able to steal any without being noticed.'

I hear the door open and sink down in my bed. I know that Josh is home now. I don't want him to see me so upset. I don't want to worry him.

I am torn from my blanket cocoon and sigh. Josh pulls me close to him, seeing my tears.

"What's wrong?" he asks softly.

"I," I start softly, "I finally ran out of my hormone pills," I tell him, my voice being no louder than a whisper.

Josh gives me a worried look. He knows how badly this upsets me. It has been my only fear the entire time I have lived in The Oasis.

He holds me close, whispering soft words of reassurance like I did for him when he was upset. They don't exactly help, but I feel a little less lonely now. Perhaps Josh will help keep me a little higher during my time of need.