When the Sun Begins to Die

Chapter 54

Cadence P.O.V

I run from the infirmary with tears in my eyes. My worst fear has just become a reality. The dysphoria suddenly hits me like a sack of bricks. This is as feminine as one can ever get.

I run back to the apartment and slam the door, locking it for good measure. There is no possible way I can face Josh.

'He had a job from the government and I now realize he succeeded. He got me pregnant so I would bring a child into this fucked up world. Why would anyone want to bring a child into this nightmare? Living in a bubble is torture. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy.'

My knees give out and I curl up on the floor. I pull my knees against my chest and cry.

'Of all the things that could have been wrong with me, I have to be pregnant. I would rather be dying of some horrible disease than have to do this. Everyone is going to tell me how happy I should be; that it's my obligation to humanity to bring forth new human life. Those people can go fuck themselves. They don't know how much more pain I'll be going through with my dysphoria. They need to mind their own fucking business and stay out of my life.'

I sob while laying on the floor. After about ten minutes I hear a faint knock on the door. I figure it has to be Josh.

"Leave me alone!" I cry out.

It's quiet for a few moments on the other side of the door. He can't even begin to fathom how enraged, how scared, how worried, how dysphoric I feel. He will never understand.

"Cadence, please," he says softly, "you can't get too worked up right now. You could hurt the baby or yourself."

I throw the closest object to me, which happened to be one of Josh's sneakers, at the door.

"Fuck off! You've done your job, now leave me alone!" I scream, trying to catch my breath.

Again there is silence. The only sound I can hear is my heartbeat in my ears. My entire body feels like it's throbbing and I am suddenly exhausted.

"Cadence, please let me in. I want to help. You can't do this alone," Josh says through the door after a few more moments.

I drag myself into my bed and sigh. "You've done enough. Leave me alone. Go get somebody else pregnant," I snap, turning my back to the door.

I hear him sigh softly and then everything goes quiet. I figure he must have left until I hear quiet tapping on the floor. He hasn't left yet.

"You'll have to come out sometime, Cadence. I'll be waiting until then."

I throw my bag against the door and growl. "Don't hold your fucking breath."

I lay down and pull the covers up over my head. I want to disappear and never return.

'Today has been the worst day of my life. I can't believe this happened. I should have never gotten close to Josh. I'm never going to get close to anyone ever again. But now I have this baby to worry about. What the hell am I going to do?'