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There are 6 stages of grief; shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.
Shock
"No, no," You cried as you watched the doctors and medical specialists step away from Anthoine. Tears streamed down your face as you hand gripped your hair in raw, emotional pain. It felt as if your throat was closing up, restricting your ability to let air in and out of you and you felt two arms wrap around your torso and pulling you into their chest, and a further two wrapping around the two of you. Lifting your head off their chest you looked upwards to see who had their arms around you. It was Charles and Arthur Leclerc. They had been close friends of Anthoine and by association, your friends too as you had taken to travelling with Anthoine as he raced and often these races had coincided with Formula 1 races.
You felt numb as you rested your head on Charles' chest again and he pressed a kiss to your head as he too tried to stifle his tears but was unsuccessful as you felt tiny drops of water land on your cheeks. Not Anthoine. It had only been an hour since you'd given him a good luck hug and kiss on the cheek. It was all too much of a shock for it all to actually sink in and for you to understand that your brother was dead. He wouldn't be there for his birthday, Christmas, New Years. Not now, not ever. And it broke you, and all you could do was weep in the arms of his friends.
Denial
Waking up the morning of the Formula 1 Belgium Grand Prix race day was hard, knowing that you had to go back to place where your brother died less than 24 hours before. You had hoped when you went to bed to previous night that you'd wake up and this would all be a dream but that wasn't the case. You fell asleep in your hotel room alone and you woke up alone. A huge contrast to yesterday morning where Anthoine had been banging the door to gain entry and bounced around the room, eager for you to hurry up and get ready.
As you were driven to the track with your parents by your side you couldn't help but deny that the past 24 hours had even occurred. And as the drivers stood on the track and conducted a moment of silence in memory of Anthoine, you kept thinking; 'This isn't happening, this can't be happening'. The silence was suffocating. The only noise being the sniffles and cries that escaped you. As an expression of comfort, Charles rubbed circles on your back from where he stood beside you in an effort to calm you down. It didn't matter because no matter what anyone did Anthoine was dead and no amount of denial could hide your pain. As your eyes flowed around the circle of drivers who surrounded Anthoine's helmet, you began to wonder what could've been if he hadn't died.
Would he be in Formula 1?
Would he and Julie get married and start a family?
You let out a sob as the thoughts flooded your mind of the 'could have been' scenarios and you were immediately brought into a tight hug by Charles, but it wouldn't help ease the pain of losing Anthoine regardless of the comfort it brought you.
Anger
You hadn't left your room since coming home from Spa on Sunday night and despite how much you pleaded and cried and wished that Anthoine was alive and well, you knew that he was truly gone, and he wasn't going to be coming home. The main reason you didn't leave your room was because you'd have to walk past Anthoine's room and the thought that he wasn't in there and that you couldn't knock on his door to gain his attention or simply annoy him was beyond comprehendible. It hurt. Your parents had tried numerous times to coax you out of your room but every time they got the same answer; No.
