365 Days (Part 2) | ✓

204. Strength

204. Strength: Think of a time when you've been physically or emotionally strong and use that as inspiration.

I was listening to my Spotify library when I realized that the song I've linked at the top was playing. It was so appropriate for the topic today I had to pause a moment to belt it out.

*

I forgave her.

I didn't think I had it in me. After all, I was not a forgiving person. I give second chances and more besides, but I carry the hurt around. It's my own masochism that keeps the pain close to my side. I don't forgive. Occasionally I forget, but I have trouble forgiving.

But her. I especially didn't think I could forgive her.

What she did wasn't so bad compared to what resulted from it. She caused me to hate myself. She caused me to doubt that I was loved or liked. She caused me to believe I didn't deserve friends and that I was worthy of this aching, deep, gasping loneliness. She did so much damage to me, my best friend.

I don't believe she's a bad person, now. I think she was thoughtless and sometimes that does so much more damage than intentional meanness ever will. Being a victim of thoughtlessness means that you are not deserving of notice. It means you're not good enough. I was so convinced that I wasn't good enough. Wasn't that why I didn't try anymore? Why I didn't tell anyone my problems because I didn't think I had earned that right? Wasn't this self-loathing why I tried to kill myself when I was fourteen-years-old because life became simply too much for me?

How in the world did I forgive her?

How did I manage to forgive the person who had done so much damage to me? Who had caused me to lose my innocence, my naive view that the world was always a happy place and everyone was nice when you were nice to them? How did I forgive this girl that I loved and trusted so much I believed her opinion of me so easily, even though it was so bad?

It was because I was forgiven myself that I was able to do it. It was because I wanted to be free that I wanted to do it.

The resentment I had toward her and the bitterness weighed me down. It dragged me into places I didn't like to go -- places I shouldn't go to. Yet I was like a drug addict that couldn't stop, and my own addiction was this pain in my heart. It was the only thing that I could feel -- besides physical pain. It was terrible and horrible, and it was scary.

I couldn't be free of my past and my shame without forgiving her. I couldn't love her if I hadn't forgiven her, and I knew that it would be my ultimate test: to see if I could still show love to this girl who had changed me so badly. I wanted to be apart from the depression and the darkness that had categorized my life up to June 23, 2014. I couldn't do that without letting go of the hurt.

The hurt you hold onto will always bring you back to the old darknesses. I learned that; I learned it through experiencing it.

Forgiveness for me was not a sudden process. It took a lot of time. It took a lot of time for me to heal from my experiences with my former best friend, and that's why even today I am still so utterly astonished when anyone shows me the least bit of liking, because for years I was convinced it was impossible for me to have friends. But gradually I did make friends who I learned to love for their sweetness of character. You have no idea how much I value sweetness and kindness after what I've been through. It's what pulled me back from the brink. There is so much beauty in smiling and being nice.

Forget the bad boy. I am in love with all the good guys in the world.

My best friend isn't a crazy and loud daredevil. Mine is lovely and so beautiful on the inside she casts everyone else around her in a more beautifying glow.

And one day, I realized I didn't hold what my former best friend did against her. Her judgement on me no longer held any weight. I didn't feel pain when I remembered what she did to me.

One day I'll get to the second part. I'll start to love her again for all the good memories we have: For playing fairies on the playground, for sharing lunches, for knowing each other so well all we had to do was communicate in one glance. For being my best friend, once upon a time. One day I'll get there.

But forgiving her is the strongest thing I've ever done.