365 Days (Part 2) | ✓

235. Breathing

235. Breathing: Take a few minutes to do some deep breathing relaxation techniques. Once your mind is clear, just write the first few things that you think of.

This will probably be weird. A look into someone's mind is always weird, but here we go. First thing that comes into my mind. Well, I'm tired. And I don't know why I'm so tired all of the time. I got enough sleep last night. It's from working all day, I guess. I didn't really want two jobs, but I have them, and I don't know why or how it happened.

I guess I'm just going to ramble here. Well, I wrote a bunch today. Even though By Valentine's Day is a very casual, cliche, humorous series, I am determined to finish it. I wrote two chapters for it today, which I was proud of. Writing is the one thing of mine I'm proud of. This book is an eclectic mix of styles and experiments and the nonsense that comes out of my head late at night, but there is some stuff in here I'm glad of producing. Determination and hard work will get you anywhere, they say. I have both, and that's all I have.

The thing about writing is that it's hard for everyone, but it's the people who stick to it through that hardness that get good. I'm not going to lie: I like the stuff I write. It's not perfect, but I do think some of it is good. People always say "I wish I had time to write and I would write as much as you." I don't really understand that. You don't just have time to write. You make time. It's a sacrifice.

I guess that's why I don't watch that much television. I would rather be creating my own stories.

Courtney watches a lot of TV though, and she's been showing me these documentaries about the Jonbenet Ramsey case. It's terrible what happened to that little girl, and terrible that her murderer walked free. They're starting to suspect the brother, Burke, and while there is something strange about him, I still have so much trouble believing a brother could kill his sister.

Or maybe that's because I love my brothers and they love me so much. Which sounds like sap, and it is, but they would never hurt me.

I always laugh when people find out I have 5 older brothers. It's my favorite reaction to hear. It makes me feel safe and protected and just good to think about having so many brothers. I used to want a sister, but growing up surrounded by brothers was fun and amazing.

I tell people that and I feel like sometimes they come from a different world. I don't understand girls well. Like when Dana, Mercy, and Kenzie was so shocked at Rhett burping again and again, and when they brought it up later, I admitted I hadn't even noticed he was doing it.

Or maybe I was too preoccupied with Connor. I don't know why all of my thoughts lead to him. Maybe it's good or maybe it's bad. I love him and I always will. I guess he really was my first love, if you don't count Devon or Anthony. (And sometimes I don't.) I don't know anymore about either Connor and Collin. Everything is so conflicted I just want to set it aside.

And thus we return to writing, because that gives me purpose. I always feel GOOD when I write. At the same time, I wish that this was not my passion. I'm terrified of people finding out I write, and reading my little stories, and disliking it. I know my mom doesn't like the idea of me writing. I guess she's still not over the stupid stuff I wrote when I was thirteen. She quizzed me on how I do my quiet times the other day. I didn't like to discuss it. Honestly, I don't know why I even mentioned them in the first place. She always gets angry by my answers or lack of answers. I don't know what will satisfy her.

Quiet times are hard these days. I try to do them in the morning, but sometimes I don't have time. I miss my youth group. I just realized that due to the struggling college ministry, it's going to be a lot harder to reach those mountaintop highs with God. I miss everything about how my life was when I was in high school. I think everything will be better once I go to college and am on a more sensible path than working so much and not having anything productive to put the money to. As soon as I get my identity problem sorted out... Why does the government have to be so inefficient?

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What did I just write? I have no idea.