They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 37

TW: mentions of abuse, suicide and SH

"Tommy?" A voice called, "Tommy are you ok!?"

Cautiously, Tommy opened his eyes and found himself on the floor, curled into a ball. The last thing he remembered was feeling the word crushing down on him. He guessed he must've fallen?

Tommy looked up and came face to face with a very worried looking HBomb who was reaching out to him.

"Hey, Tommy are you ok?" He asked, reaching to steady him. Instantly Tommy's arms were up ready for the blow.

"I'm not going to hurt you," HBomb said, his voice gentle, his hand returning to his side. Tommy stared at him. What? Why not? Tommy had collapsed in front of him. He'd proven how weak he was. He'd shown how easy of a target he'd be. Why wasn't HBomb going to hurt him? It must be a trick. HBomb must want him to lower his arms so he'd be able to hit Tommy in the face. That must be it.

Tommy heard rustling from where HBomb had been, moving over to be next to him. He tensed, preparing himself for the blow. Instead, he felt a comforting hand on his back as HBomb began to speak.

"I will never ever hurt you Tommy. I promise. I'm here to help you. I will never lay a hand on you."

Tommy slowly let his body relax, loosening all of his far too tense muscles. When HBomb continued to sit there, not hurting him, Tommy carefully sat up, letting his arms relax.
"Are you ok? Can you tell me what happened?"

"I'm fine," Tommy whispered, because no, he couldn't say what happened. He didn't know.

"Had this happened before?" HBomb asked and Tommy hesitated. There were times where the world felt like it was collapsing, where he struggled to breathe and felt a need to curl up tightly and protect himself. It happened randomly, with no clear reason as to why.

"Sometimes."

"Can you tell me what you were thinking about before?"

"My brother," Tommy replied, his voice weak, barely audible.

"Is that a foster brother?" HBomb asked tentatively and Tommy shook his head.

"My twin."

"Did you get separated?" HBomb asked and Tommy shook his head again. He hadn't been seperate from Tubbo. Not like that. He knew some houses didn't want more then one child, and sometimes that meant siblings would have to be sent to different houses, but that had never happened for Tommy and Tubbo.

"He died. 5 years ago, from yesterday."

"Yesterday?"

"Yeah. Techno took me to visit him."

"Do you do that often?"

"Every year," Tommy murmured, "Every year."

"Can you tell me about him?" HBomb asked and Tommy looked at him in surprise. HBomb nodded, quietly encouraging Tommy.Tommy stared at his hands as he began to speak of his brother.

"His name's Tubbo. We were twins, inseparable, we did everything together... He adored bees, got himself stung a few times going too close to them, but he didn't seem to mind, it never made him stop loving them," Tommy began. His brother had been so full of unconditional love, and that told Tommy that he really hadn't hated Tommy. In fact Tommy didn't think hate was something Tubbo had ever felt, so he said that, "Tubbo never seemed to hate anything. He didn't like stuff sure, but he could never quite hate anyone. No matter what our foster parents did, Tubbo didn't hate them. He didn't trust them, nor did he love them, but he didn't hate either."

"Did you hate them?"

"Maybe. I don't really remember. I know I've hated some of my foster parents but I don't know if I started hating them before Tubbo died. I hated the ones I had with Tubbo's death," Tommy admitted, staring down at his hands and trying to push back the memories of being beaten for crying over his brother's death, "I've worked out that most people are cruel."

"You say most people are cruel, what do you mean by that?"

"Simply what I said. Foster parents, other kids, teachers, strangers, all of them have hurt me. All of them have been cruel."

"Are there not people who try to help? People like Techno?"

"There are people who don't get the chance to prove their cruelty, and some who simply haven't yet. People don't deserve trust."

"Do you think Techno will hurt you? Do you think I will?"

"I can't be sure. Better to be safe. Even if you've promised not to, promises are far too easily broken," Tommy sighed.

"I understand that you might never trust me, but I hope one day you will."

"I won't be here long enough. Puffy will show up eventually. Always does."

"Does it make you feel safe knowing that Puffy will come save you?"

"She'll probably be too late. Often is. I don't hold it against her of course, it's simply the way it is. She has to hear something went wrong before she'll show up. To answer your question, no, it doesn't make me feel safe. When she comes I'll get a few hours of peace and then be launched into a new, just as bad, potentially worse house. It's an endless cycle. It's certainly never safe."

"So, why do you stay?" HBomb asked, in a way that implied he knew there must be a reason, and not that he meant Tommy shouldn't stay.

"My brother told me not to. Was the last thing he asked before he died. The note gotten taken from me years ago, but I still know it well. He told me not to give in like he had, so I won't. I'll beat the system for him, which means I'm not going to kill myself, I don't need to be here talking to you."

"It's good to have something that will always keep you alive, but just because you won't die doesn't mean you shouldn't be here, in this room, people can struggle, even without being suicidal, and I'm here to help you."

Words: 1000

A/N: I checked the stats of this story for the first time (I had been just checking notifications, forgot there were stats) and I have to thank you all so much for 1K reads and 200 votes!!! It genuinely means the world to me that people will like my writing, so I can't be more grateful. Thank you so so so so much. I don't like to ramble too much about stats, but just seeing how much people enjoy it makes my day. Seeing your comments about how much you love this genuinely makes me so happy, so thank you. I cannot thank you all enough.