They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 44

TW: Mentions of: medication, SH, suicide, abuse

'I'm ok' Tommy had said. I'm ok. I'm ok. But he wasn't. Not really. He knew that. He knew he wasn't ok, but what else could he be. Ranboo had asked if he wanted to talk and Tommy had said he was ok. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe that was a wasted opportunity. Or maybe it wasn't. Maybe that decision had saved Tommy's life. That's the problem with all things good, they have a flip side that is just as bad as they are good.

Tommy didn't know why he had cried. Well... that's not quite right. He knew why he had cried. He knew that it was because of the way Ranboo asked why Tommy would never argue anything even if it clearly made it uncomfortable. He knew that it had brought up memories of the past and cruel punishments. He knew that it had sounded as though Ranboo couldn't understand, as though Ranboo had never had to understand. It was that last point that had broken him the most. That point that encouraged him to believe Puffy about what she had said for so long. It pleaded for him to understand that not everyone went through pain like Tommy had. That thought was terrifying because if it wasn't everyone, if it wasn't most people, if Tommy was the exception then that meant it must be something to do with him. It meant he must be the reason he was getting hurt. He wasn't ready to face that.

"Are you hurting, Tommy?" Ranboo asked gently, fully pulling away from the loose hug to look at him. Tommy hesitated. It was clear he was hurting to some extent, hell, Kristin had mentioned painkillers, but it was dangerous to admit to it.

"It's ok if you are, I just want to know so I can look after you," Ranboo promised and Tommy looked at his feet, nervous for what may well be about to come.

"Yes. I got hurt after school, got attacked, still somewhat recovering from that," Tommy admitted quietly and Ranboo let out a quiet hiss of what seemed like a mix of fear and sadness, maybe pain too? Remembered pain most likely, Ranboo hadn't done anything to cause or worsen any physical pain.

"Are you ok?" Ranboo asked after he composed himself somewhat.

"Yeah, just bruised."

"Do you want to walk home with Eret and I? We'd be happy to. It might be safer," Ranboo offered but Tommy was already shaking his head before Ranboo could finish.

"It was a once off, won't happen again," Tommy insisted, doubting the truth to that statement, but he simply couldn't risk walking with them.

"Ok, well if you change your mind, the offer will always be up. I know how panicky walking alone can make you feel after getting attacked," Ranboo said. The second sentence was much quieter, barely above a whisper. Tommy wondered what had happened to Ranboo. He could tell something had, and he could tell it was bad enough or recent enough for him to need Eret with him. Tommy thought it was probably bad not recent, since it seemed natural for them, but he could be wrong, he often was. Tommy almost wanted to ask, but he doubted Ranboo would share and even if he would, asking questions was not something Tommy was permitted to do.

Ranboo took a deep breath, pulled up a faint smile and sat next to Tommy.

"I just want to help, Tommy, and I can't help if I don't know what's going on," Ranboo said after a few moments of silence.

"I'm sorry," Tommy said, his voice breaking ever so slightly. It would be nice to have help. It would be nice to have hope once more but he couldn't risk it. He knew what hope did. He knew the dangers of hope. He refused to let hope take him too.

"Is there anything I can do?" Ranboo asked gently and Tommy just looked at his hands, not having an answer for Ranboo. Ranboo nodded, accepting that and Tommy was once again forced to wonder how Ranboo understood when to accept no answer as an answer of its own. Most people got mad when Tommy didn't answer, but Ranboo didn't care. It was weird and Tommy wanted to understand but he just couldn't.

A minute or so passed in silence before someone knocked on the door. Ranboo got up to get it, motioning to Tommy to stay where he was.

Tommy watched the door carefully, knowing there was no way to escape the room except through that door, so whatever danger lay on the other side had him cornered already. Ranboo opened the door and Tommy saw Techno. Shit. He wasn't ready to deal with this, not after he had disappeared on them yesterday. This was too fucking dangerous. He should've called Puffy. Techno could kill him in a heartbeat. Tommy knew it.

Within a second Tommy was on his feet on the other side of the room, back pressed against the wall, keeping the bed between them.

"Woah, Tommy, what happened?" Ranboo asked, spinning at the sudden noise of Tommy's panic. Tommy tried to steady his breathing but all he could think was that he couldn't die. He couldn't die but he very well might at any second.

"Tommy, it's ok. It's ok, I promise," Techno said, his voice gentle, his hands up placatingly. Tommy shook his head, trying to clear his clouded vision but it was filling with specks of black which Tommy knew meant he wasn't breathing. He was though, he was just breathing too much. Too fast. He needed to get a grip. He needed to escape.

He felt himself begin to topple forward and arms reach out to catch him as his vision faded to black, unconsciousness taking control. He faintly heard yells, before fading fully into the blackness, still fighting to wake up. He had tried so hard, but now he knew he had lost.

Words: 1000

A/n: 2 chapters in one day!? Wow! Be proud XD