They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 77

TW: description of panic attack

As Tommy said the words, setting his first boundary, terrified as he was, something inside him seemed to both break and heal at the same time. He felt the sting of tears hitting his eyes. Quickly he blinked, trying to force them back, desperately needing to hide it. His lungs screamed for air but he knew the next breathe he took would be a chocked sob and he couldn't risk that. He needed to get away now. What was wrong with him!? He shouldn't have said anything. Why would he say that? It wasn't safe. It wasn't safe and he should've known that! He was always careful! Always! Why did he say that!?

"Anything else?" Wilbur's voice asked softly, cutting through the panicked thoughts building in Tommy's mind. Instantly Tommy shook his head, feeling further and further from safety with every moment. His need to breathe growing in desperation, fighting his need to stay quiet.

"If you ever want to add more just let us know," Techno said quietly and Tommy nodded, trying to hold in the panic that was close to overflowing. They couldn't know. They couldn't.

"Can I go upstairs?" Tommy asked, forcing the words out in a quick breath, almost gasping for air as he said it. He needed out. He needed it. Wilbur had said asking questions was ok, but he knew if they saw him like this it would definitely be bad. He just needed to get out, and if asking a question got him there, well that was the safest option.

Phil nodded and within a second Tommy was slipping out of the room, dashing up the stairs into Wilbur's room and closing the door behind him. He sat, leaning against the door, breathing heavily. He curled in on himself just focusing on breathing. He needed air. He needed it but nothing was coming. It was all too much. Hot tears streamed down his face and his lungs screamed in pain, needing air.

"Tommy?" A voice came through the door, along with a gentle knock, "Are you ok?"

They couldn't see him like this. They couldn't. Tommy had to get out. He had to hide, but there was no where to go. So, he stayed, trying to stifle the sobs and the failing gasps for air. He watched in panic as the door handle moved. He did everything he could to stay still, sitting with his back pressed against the door, holding it closed. He'd get in trouble for this later, he knew that, but it would be better then whoever it was seeing him now.

"Tommy, please just breathe, ok? Slow breathes, you're going to be ok, I promise. I'm not going to leave you, and I'm not going to hurt you, just breathe ok, in... out... breathe with me, you can do this, in... out..." Techno's voice softly repeated the words through the door and Tommy obeyed, not knowing what else to do. Eventually Techno stopped and Tommy heard what he knew was Techno leaning on the other side of the door, "Are you ok kid?"

"Y- yes," Tommy forced out, trying to hold the steady breathing pattern. His lungs weren't screaming in pain anymore and the tears had finally lessoned. He knew however, that he could not let Techno see him. If he did, he'd know just how weak Tommy really was.

"Can you let me come inside?" Techno asked. No. No. Tommy could not. He would not. It was dangerous. Techno would know- he'd- he'd know- he- he already knew. Techno already knew. He had heard Tommy's sobs. He knew.

"Yes," Tommy said, his voice breaking as he did so. Slowly he moved away from the door, instead leaning against the side of the bed. Techno opened the door and sat on the floor next to Tommy. His movements were slow, letting Tommy see what was going to happen before it did. Tommy didn't know if that was intentional or if it was the concussion, but he appreciated it.

"Can you tell me what you're thinking right now?" Techno asked softly.

"I messed up. I'm in danger," Tommy whispered, finally voicing the thoughts that constantly spun around his head. He messed up. He had failed, and now pain was coming. He didn't know why he was telling Techno this, but what else was he supposed to say? Techno knew Tommy had messed up. He knew. There was no point trying to hide it.

"Ok, can you talk me through that? What do you mean you messed up?"

"I told you not to do something."

"Tommy, can I hold your hand?" Techno asked softly, and Tommy nodded. Techno slipped his hand out and took Tommy's gently, "It's fine to want people to ask first, always remember that. Boundaries are something everyone has, for some people they are just small things and for others it's huge. That's ok. You used the one I said. When I first got here it took me months to work up the courage to say that much, but I promise you, no danger comes with setting boundaries with us. Yes, some people are awful people, but we will always respect your boundaries. You can say no. You can tell me not to do something, just as I can tell you. We are equal. We will always be equal."

Techno finished and let the silence stretch as the words found their way into Tommy's heart. Equals. That was not something he had ever had. Even with Tubbo, Tommy had always felt lesser, harder to get along with, more annoying. Tubbo had always said they were equal in everything, but Tommy had never been able to grasp it. How could they be equal when Tommy was so pathetic?

"You're not pathetic," Techno disagreed, and only then did Tommy realise he had spoken his last thought out loud. Techno's hand squeezed his, leaving Tommy frozen and unable to speak, before he continued, "You are worth far more then you know."

Words: 1000

A/N: This was a present for my sister, so have your softnoblade content <3