They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 53

TW: panic attack/mental breakdown

Tommy left the store with the food and the extra money thanks to the discount. He stood, frozen, outside, too scared to move any closer to Dream's house and the pain that would come with it. He knew he was already later then he had been that first time. He knew he couldn't do anything. He knew what would happen if he went back. He knew he couldn't go through that again. Everything still screamed with pain, even though it was dulled somewhat by the painkillers. There was no way Tommy could go through that again, but where could he go? He had no way to contact Puffy. He had nothing to keep him alive. He had no way to survive this. He had no idea what he could possibly do.

He found a bench and collapsed, exhausted. It wasn't worth rushing back to pain. He needed time to think. He needed to work out if he could find somewhere to go.

By chance the bench he had found faced down a street he recognised. Eret and Ranboo's street. He could- no. No, that was a stupid idea. He shouldn't have even considered it. Or- no. Why was he still thinking of it. Going back to Dream would probably be a safer fate.

"It's fine Tommy. I'm not going to hurt you," Ranboo.
"You're running and you look exhausted and like you're hurt, and Ranboo said he's worried about you and-" Eret.
"Eret just... she wanted me to check up on you," Ranboo.
"Tommy, if you ever need anything, my door is always open, you know where I live and you know where to find me at school. If you can't find me, Ranboo will be able to. Please. If you need anything at all, I will always be offering to help," Eret.

"You know where I live." Why would she say that? Why would she encourage Tommy to come to her? Was it a trap? Was it a way to get Tommy alone? Or was it safe? There was no way to know. He could risk it, and maybe, just maybe, it wouldn't go badly. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad as Dream. Surely it couldn't be as bad as Dream. Right?

Tommy didn't know what he was supposed to do. He knew he wasn't supposed to stay here. He knew he couldn't go back to Dream. The only option he had was to go to Eret and hope. He didn't want to do that. He couldn't do that. He couldn't stay here though either. Maybe if he just dialled down the hope? Maybe he just treated it like a coin toss, 50/50, it could go badly, vs the 100% chance it would if he went to Dream. Yeah. That could work. It was just improving the odds of his survival slightly.

Slowly, he stood up, completely terrified for what was to come, but having no other ideas as to what to do. He reached the door too fast, and was now standing, unable to move on the doorstep. He hesitated for a long moment, staring at the door. No it wasn't worth the danger. He could sleep on the streets. Tommy turned away from the door and took a step, then hesitated. It was winter. It was cold. It would quite possibly get below freezing, and he had nothing to keep him warm except for a hoodie.

He turned back, knowing he didn't have another option. He raised his hand to knock, then stopped, his hand a few centimetres away from the door. What if Eret got mad at him for showing up? What if Eret wasn't home yet and her parents got mad? What if this was where he lost? He couldn't lose. Not yet. He couldn't die, but that meant he couldn't go back to Dream, and he couldn't stay in the cold. He just needed Eret to not have been lying.

He took a deep breath and knocked. With that, the panic tears that had been building up finally spilled. He tried to rub them away and control himself before someone opened the door, but his brain was screaming at him. Screaming that he was in danger. Screaming that he had no other choice. Screaming that everything hurt. Screaming that he'd end up like Tubbo. Tubbo. He wouldn't. No. He'd promised he'd survive. He couldn't die now. He couldn't.

Tommy's legs gave way underneath him, and it was then that he realised he wasn't taking in any air. He curled, panting through the sobs on the doorstep of someone he barely knew. He tried to control himself. Tried to stand up and stop crying and breathe normally, but all things considered, Tommy knew he was lucky not to be screaming right now.

"Ranboo, you know you don't have to knock," A voice called, waking towards the door. Tommy didn't have enough time. They were going to see him. They were going to see how weak he is. How easy it is to hurt him. How fragile he is. He knew that and he knew there was nothing he could do about it, because he couldn't breathe. All he could do was curl up tighter, tucked in a ball on his knees.

He heard the door open and somehow managed to curl up even tighter, trying to force down his sobs.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm sorry," Tommy pleaded, tears streaming down his face. Again and again he said the words. Maybe, just maybe, Eret would forgive him.

"Tommy? Oh gods Tommy!" Eret exclaimed, kneeling next to him. If Tommy could've curled up tighter, more protectively, he would've, but he couldn't. He felt arms wrap around him, and he was pulled into Eret's lap. She gently swayed side to side, murmuring promises of safety, and let him cry. Tommy tried to breathe, but he couldn't. He couldn't breathe and his lungs were burning and it just made everything hurt so much more.

"Breathe with me Tommy," Eret instructed, breathing in, counting to four and breathing out. Again and again she did it until finally Tommy could breathe and the tears had lessened somewhat, "You're ok, Tommy. You're going to be ok. I promise. I'm going to look after you."

Tommy buried his head into Eret's shoulder, trying to hide the tears. He didn't understand what was happening. He didn't understand why she was being so gentle. He didn't understand why she was on the floor with him, and not hurting him and driving him deeper into the floor. He didn't understand. He wished he could, but he didn't.

"Do you need me to call someone, or do you just want to rest?" Eret asked, her voice soft, ready to do anything Tommy asked.

"I don't know," Tommy whispered, his voice shattering along with any strength he had left in him. He felt his body being lifted up, but he didn't have any strength to fight it. Eret carried him inside, letting him down on a couch, saying something quietly to someone else , that Tommy didn't catch, then returning to Tommy's side.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Eret asked, her hand gently taking Tommy's, rubbing calming circles into the back of it.

"I'm too late. I'm not allowed to be late but-" Tommy started, before having to stop to control his breathing, when he had somewhat calmed his panicked breaths, he continued, "I can't go back, please don't make me go back."

"I'm not going to make you do anything, Tommy," Eret promised, gently pulling Tommy into a hug, "I will never force you to do anything you don't want to. Never. I promise you that."

That broke him, and all too quickly he was sobbing once more. He had tried to hold it back, but it was too much. All too much. He didn't understand of it. He didn't understand why Eret cared. He didn't understand why she hadn't hurt him, even as he'd shown how easy it would be. He didn't understand why she wasn't yelling at him. He didn't understand why she was letting him cry. He didn't understand.

Tommy's mind was a mix of complete confusion, cries for help, terror, and, somehow, hope. He didn't want to hope, and maybe that's what scared him the most. He knew he couldn't hope. He couldn't risk it. Not with how dangerous it is. Not with how much damage hope can cause. He couldn't end up like Tubbo. He couldn't gain hope only to lose it. He couldn't. So, why did he still hope when he knew it was only harmful? Why did he feel himself hoping for safety? Why did he feel himself hoping that it would get better? Why was he hoping at all?

"I'm so sorry," Tommy croaked, his voice painfully hoarse from the tears.

"Don't apologise Tommy. You've done nothing wrong. You are allowed to cry. You are allowed to get help. I'm glad you came to me."

Words: 1500

A/N: 👀