They Rely On Hope. What Do I Rely On? - Tommyinnit Adoption AU

Chapter 108

⚠️TW: Death, violence, mentions of suicide/suicidal idealisations⚠️

"That's not good enough!"

"I'm sorry- please- I'm sorry-" Tommy whimpered, scrambling to his feet again, ignoring the way he couldn't feel his legs, ignoring the pain. He needed to be better. Needed to be stronger. Needed to be smarter. He could not mess up, but he had. He had and he was about to face the consequences. The undoubtably painful consequences.

"You should be fucking sorry, what the hell are you doing!? You have a fight in a week, and you're here lying on the ground! Do you want to lose!?"

"No sir."

"Do you want to embarrass me!?"

"No sir, I would never-"

"WELL YOU JUST MIGHT! You need to get your act together!"

"I'm sorry sir-"

"I said you could take hits. I told them you could take hits, so why the fuck aren't you taking any hits?"

"I didn't mean to sir, please," Tommy begged, desperate to appease him somehow, but knowing he never would.

"That's the fucking problem! You can't make mistakes like that on a battlefield. Clearly you need to be taught how to take hits better. Clearly I need to teach you!"

"Please sir-" Tommy started, but all too soon 17 was coming for him. Tommy dodged the first attack, but when 17 yelled at him to stay still, he accepted his fate. This was his punishment for being weak. This was his punishment for making a mistake.

It took everything Tommy had not to move, not to collapse as the hits kept pouring down on him. He shoved the darkness at the edge of his vision back, steadied himself, and took another hit, and another and another.

Everything was agony, but at the same time it was numb. Tommy was barely in this world, barely alive. Still, he held himself up, doing his best to obey 17's instruction not to move.

When the darkness won, Tommy had no idea what 17 would do. Still, the darkness wrapped around him, holding him, and the pain lessoned, relaxation coming. He knew his body was probably going through hell, but he felt safe here in the void.

Faintly, through the darkness, Tommy could make out a pinprick of light. he hesitated, wanting to stay in the safety of darkness, but instead, as though his feet didn't obey him, he started moving towards it. He knew he should fight it, knew it wasn't good, but he didn't. He let his feet drag him forward, and he watched as the light grew from a speck to a dot to a figure to... no. No that didn't make sense. That wasn't right. That was not right! It wasn't- but it was. It was and Tommy knew it.

All at once Tommy stopped fighting his feet, he urged them forward, rushing into the glowing figure's outstretched arms.

"Tubbo..." Tommy sobbed, "Tubbo..."

"Hey Tommy," Tubbo murmured, wrapping his arms around Tommy. Everything about Tubbo was warm yet cold. The light he was surrounded by was warm, but his skin was cold to the touch. Tommy didn't care though. He didn't care about what it meant. He didn't care about the flashbacks he could feel coming. He was with Tubbo. His Tubbo.

"You're doing so well Tommy, so well. I've been with you every step of the way, but I need you to fight now. You can't die Tommy."

"I want to stay here..."

"I know, and I want that too, but you need to try to live, please, for me. I want you to find your family. I want you to have a life. I want you to have everything I missed out on."

"I want to be with you though."

"You can't."

"I can! I'm here! Please! Please Tubbo! Please let me stay!"

Tubbo pulled away gently, looking back at Tommy, and reached out, taking Tommy's warm hand, he moved it to his heart, letting Tommy's hand rest there, where no heartbeat came. Then, he led the hand to Tommy's beating heart.

The thuds came hard and fast, desperate, and terrified, but even as he held his hand to his heart, Tommy could feel the beat getting weaker, getting slower.

"You're dying Tommy... you don't have to die, if you fight it, if you get away from here, you can live, you can grow old, I want that for you. I made a mistake. I shouldn't have let you think I left you, but remember, I am always with you. So fight Tommy, fight to survive."

"But-"

"Please Tommy, please, fight. Fight it. Don't die. Not yet. Please."

"I don't want to lose you!" Tommy screamed, the held back tears breaking through and streaming down his face as he gripped onto his brother, his knees giving out, "I DON'T WANT TO LOSE YOU!"

"Tommy-"

"Not again... please not again..." Tommy sobbed. His body shook with every heart wrenching sob, and he didn't try to hide it. He needed Tubbo. He needed Tubbo.

"You won't lose me. I'm right here Tommy, with every beat of your heart, mine sings. Remember the song Tommy. Remember the song. Now fight. Fight please!"

"Tubbo please I-"

"FIGHT! NOW! PLEASE TOMMY! I need you to live! Please... I need you to live... don't die for me Tommy. Please don't die for me," Tubbo sobbed, and Tommy knew he didn't have a choice. He had promised. When he had read the note, he had promised. He did not break promises to Tubbo.

"I love you," Tommy whispered, "I love you so much, please, I love you and I will never stop loving you."

With those words, Tommy found his footing, gave one last pained look towards his twin, the only person he could ever truely trust, before he turned and ran in the opposite direction. He didn't know where he was going. All he knew was that he couldn't die. Tubbo didn't want him to die, so he wouldn't. He'd fight the universe first, and he'd win. He would make sure he fucking won.

A/N: ironically enough, right after writing the part where Tommy went into the void/darkness/whatever u call that place, I had to stop cuz I had run out of time to write, then a couple minutes after that, I got rlly sick and could barely walk- (I'm alright now, doctor thinks it was a combination of mild heatstroke, a minor virus and chronic fatigue all attacking at once)