Twilight: AnneMarie Charlotte Swan

New Moon 5: I feel bitter

Bella hasn't been the same and I understand her pain. I understand it but that doesn't mean I'm going to sit around and act like I'm dying. Hell no I won't do that to dad. He already has one zombie daughter he doesn't need another one. It's been days since they left and Bella still hasn't changed. She sits and doesn't move. I'm getting angry at her for acting like this. This isn't fair for dad.

I mean Jasper left me in a very inappropriate way. He was an asshole about it, he lied to my face, and worse of all that bastard called me a slut. Yes, I'm heartbroken but I am not going to stay in one spot and cry. Yes, I'm angry and i'll let my pillow have it. Yes, I'm bitter beyond imaginable. Yes, I am going to lash out once in a while so forgive me for being rude. Yes, I cry at night so they won't know I'm weak. Yes, I do have nightmares but that doesn't mean I'm going to cry bloody murder. Yes, I am feeling like someone I have a massive hole in my chest that doesn't stop hurting. Yes, I am not the same and yes, I am hurt. So forgive me for not acting like the same. Forgive me for being sarcastic, for being rude when you mention Jasper but you don't know what I'm feeling inside. The moment Jasper left I felt empty he took everything that made me smile, he took everything that made me see the world in colors, he took my laugh, he took my tears and he took my heart and smashed it into the ground. He took everything from me and I don't want it back because it all reminds me of him. What I find sad is that I now hate someone who I loved so much. Is it possible to not feel a thing? I don't want to feel anything.

October:

Bella hasn't moved from her spot, still the same zombie as before. She sits staring out the window of her room, waiting for Edward to come but he won't come. The handprints from the accident finally went away but I still wear scarves to cover up the bite mark. Jake and Embry came over today, Jake wanted to know how Bella was doing. I told him she's the same as before. We went to the Rez and hanged out. I notice that Alpha (Sam) had someone else in his pack, Jared. Jake told me about Sam and Jared, he's doesn't like how they changed so much. I told him not to worry about them just to ignore them. Embry agreed with me and so we went to get Quil.

Halloween came around and just like every other year I gave out candies. When the kids would come and get their candies, their parents would talk about the Cullens and how they left behind us. I would glare at them and they would shut up taking their kids with them. Stupid whispers and people, can't they just shut up and move on?

November:

Nothing changed much this month, Bella still being Bella sitting by her window. I can't believe dad let Bella miss school because of a breakup. School is the same, boring. The same gossip, the same whispers, the same talk, life is getting boring here. I'm starting to hang out with Jake and the guys more and more. As the holidays are approaching I'm trying to do good things around the house. I'm decorating and cooking since Bella isn't feeling well.

I'm doing okay. I'm not lashing out, well not as much as before, on people when they mention the Cullens or asked what happened between Jasper and me. I still feel like shit, I still feel the bitterness and the anger grow inside me. I still have the nightmares about Jasper, I still cry when no one is around. Dad believes im over Jasper and the breakup but that's because I don't let him see how truly I feel. He doesn't need to worry about me.

December:

Bella finally moved her ass from the window but now she's staring at her stupid laptop all day. She writing emails to Alice, every day she writes, every day the same thing, and like everything no response. I don't know why she does it? I don't know why she continues to be like this. I don't understand but I guess I'll never truly understand. A week before winter vacation, Bella came back to school but that because I threaten to break her laptop if she doesn't get up. After fights for a while, she finally got up and got dressed.