Twilight: AnneMarie Charlotte Swan

B.D.: HER

I wasn't expecting to be doing this today, I wasn't expecting today to happen, well not without her. These type of things were more of her than mine. She was supposed to be here with me, she was supposed to be by my side doing all this stuff. But she not, she left me all alone in this world. No one has talked about her, not since that day. No one really mentions her name, well not when I'm around anyways. I don't know why I think we need to talk about her, she was someone who made people feel special, she was special and now she's gone. 

I look out the window and see people gathering outside. I see them all smiling, happy, and I get mad. Why are they happy when she's not even here. I heard her name being mention and whenever it does, I see some look away or someone would change the subject. Why don't they ever talk about her? It seems like her name is taboo here. I think they don't talk about her because they feel guilty. I think they believe it's their fault that she isn't here. Celebrating this occasion with us. 

My father and mother came in as the girls finished with my make-up and hair. And as expected they didn't say her name, not once. But when my father looks at me I know, I just know he's thinking of her. He's always thinking of her. Sometimes I would hear him cry in his room, thinking I am asleep. He would call out her name, beg her to come home, he would sometimes even talk to her, ask her how she is doing. He would tell her that he isn't doing alright, but for her, he'll be strong just for her. But whenever I would mention her name around him, he wouldn't talk. He would always look away and change the subject. And my mother would never get past the crying, so I could never talk about her. 

Walking down the aisle, I swear I saw her there. I saw her standing there watching me about to say 'I do'. I swear I saw her there beside him, smiling at the both of us. But I know it wasn't real, she isn't here. As I said my 'I do' I couldn't help but turn to him, and he was already staring at me. I know it hurts him to see me every day. To see me every day and think of her. I know whenever he stares at me, I remind him of her. I know he thinks of her, every and each passing day. I know it hurts him because it hurts me. It hurts me whenever I stare in the mirror and sometimes I see her staring back. Sometimes I swear I could hear her voice calling me. Sometimes I could see here standing there staring at me with a smile. Sometimes I would even feel her beside me, holding me as I cry myself to sleep. Sometimes it would even feel like she wasn't gone but then I remember she won't be coming home, not anytime soon.

As I went to greet the guest, they would often mention her name. They would say how proud she would have been. Some of the guests would say that they're sorry for my loss and that they understand my pain. But in reality, they don't know half the pain I feel, the pain our parents feel, or how he feels, they don't know and will never know. Whenever they would mention her name, I would turn to him, knowing he was able to hear. I would see him look down at the mention of her name. I know it hurts him and I can't help but feel guilty. 

When I dance with our father, he would stare at me and I knew he was thinking of her. I knew in his head he was imagining her wedding. I'm not mad because this was supposed to be about her, she wanted this stuff I, on the other hand, did not. She actually believed in the concept of marriage, whereas I just believed it's a piece of paper. She believed in the fairytale of it, she believed that love was forever. Forever... something that was supposed to be for you. When I mentioned her name, he looked away and didn't say anything. When the song finished he gave me to my husband and went away. What hurt more was the fact that he didn't say how proud she would have been. It hurt watching him leave and not say her name, not even once. 

When the speeches came along, as expected they were unique. My brother-in-law went up there and said a joke that most didn't get. Our friend went up there explaining how I fell for my husband's perfect hair. You always say that she was jealous of me, but I never believed you. However, now paying attention to her I see it. My sister-in-law went up there and basically told me I had to change my style. Funny, that what you said would happen when I join their family. Father went up there, practically threaten my husband if he ever hurt me. Your name slipped out of his mouth and the crowd went silent. But before he could say any more, he quickly ended his speech. He got down the stage and left the room. Mother went up the stage and sang a song. You know the song, the one she would sing whenever we got sick. I know why she sang it, it was your favorite song. When my mother-in-law and my husband went up there, I knew they wanted to say your name. But I don't understand why they didn't. Why can't they just say your name?