Behind My Eyes.

waiting for sleep.

i don't know if i can even sleep anymore.

i honestly can't remember the last time i could tell the difference between a dream and reality.

i wake up and i'm exhausted then i go to bed exhausted.

i close my eyes and i just lay there in bed for hours waiting for sleep to come to me.

i've tried everything.

i've taken melatonin, simply sleep, tylenol pm, and nyquil but nothing ever seems to help me.

do i even actually sleep once my eyes close or do i pretend that the thoughts running across my mind are my dreams?

am i ever actually awake or do i pretend that the dreams are my reality?

i can feel the scratchy sheets against my skin,

i can feel the soft cloudlike airiness of the pillow under my head,

i can feel the warmth of the blanket protecting me from the cold bitter air from the fan.

if i feel everything that must be a sign that i'm awake...right?

or does that simply mean i'm having a lucid dream and my mind is in control of it all?

night after night after night i lie awake in bed waiting and wishing for sleep's sweet embrace.

it's gotten to the point where i don't even bother trying to sleep anymore.

staying up until i crash at the end of the day should work, at least that's what i've been telling myself.

i think it might work.

i lie awake wondering, questioning, worrying.

why can i never seem to fall asleep?

why do all the days i've lived seem to just blur together?

why does it seem like i'm on autopilot all the time?

why is every day just a repeat of the one before it?

why isn't anything changing?