Behind My Eyes.

pictures.

the hardest part—for me at least, 

is knowing that i have to delete the pictures.

to me, it seems like that's putting a lock on the story of us and throwing away the key.

i don't know how i'm expected to be strong enough to do that.

i look at the pictures more than i care to admit and i listen to the videos often.

even now your voice still soothes me.

looking at them hurts like hell sometimes but for some reason, 

i can't tear my eyes away from the screen.

i know i have to delete them in order to move on properly.

they're all snapshots of a better time with you,

but at the end of the day that's all i have.

the idea of you and who i wanted you to be.

they don't show the ugly side of things with us.

i can't keep trying to hold onto that and ignore all of the bad things that you put me through.

i was an entirely different person FOR you.

i became a person who i thought you needed me to be.

i took all of your burdens and your hurt and i made it all my own.

i did so much behind the scenes to help you.

i orchestrated dinners with our friends, 

movie nights,

small hangouts outside of work.

i did so much because i couldn't bear to see you suffering like you were.

you never noticed.

you never let me talk to you about my issues because they were "too much" and i seem to constantly ignore that because i held you on a pedestal.

i fell in love with the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of you and you still couldn't come around to the idea of me.

these pictures are all i have of you and i'm too scared to delete them.

you haven't been in my life in two years but somehow this is too hard?

it's the nail in the coffin.

i'm worried that if i get rid of everything i'll forget you.

i'll forget your eyes and how they shine when you smile.

i'll forget your voice.

i'll forget the way you smile and how every single one meant something different.

i'll forget the looks you used to give me from across the room that only made sense to me.

i'll forget you.

it'll all fade away.

i don't want you to become a memory.

you already are.

i don't want to lose you again.

that's what this feels like.

somehow i'm losing you again.

i don't think i'm strong enough to do this.