Behind My Eyes.

thank you.

this is going to be a little bit different than what you've grown accustomed to here.

the response to this small collection has been something that i couldn't have ever dreamt up.

i used to post poems on my private snapchat story or my private instagram and would just have a few close friends give me feedback on it. until one day when i decided to take a poll and see if anyone on my main account would be interested in reading any of my mediocre works.

i never expected anyone besides a handful of my close friends to even glance at this, if we're being honest i just expected my friends to read the first two and call it quits but they're surprisingly invested in this.

to sit here, on my bedroom floor and be listening to ashton edminster (please go look her up), and see that the poems i wrote during my darkest days, has gotten nearly 800 reads in a week...words can't begin to describe how i'm feeling. almost 800 people decided they liked the biography that i wrote, they decided that they liked the cover art, they decided they liked my words. people are relating to the words i've written. people are reading my poetry at three in the morning when they're lonely or missing someone. that's just insane to me.

my whole life i've always second-guessed myself, i knew deep down that maybe i had a knack for writing but i never did anything but hide it in my journal because i would nitpick it until i hated it or my mind talked me out of thinking it was any good to begin with. i never expected the number of positive messages i got from this. so many people, in my life and online, have reached out to me and talked to me about the way this has made them feel. i'm so happy that so many of you can relate to this and it makes you feel things.

to everyone who's taken time to read this, thank you from the bottom of my heart. you've made the shy little 14 year old me with the beaten up notebooks sprawled on the floor so incredibly happy. if you're feeling anything like i did in the majority of these poems, please know that it gets better, as cheesy as that may sound. i hated hearing that for SO long because it never seemed to get better, but here i am, and things are finally starting to look up. recovery isn't a straight path, there are so many ups and downs and god it seems like the downs outweigh the ups and you can't catch a break. there was a span of 3 years of my life when i spent so much of my time focusing on the downs that i didn't appreciate the ups. i've made it to the other side for the most part and it really is everything you'd hoped and more. that's not to say that i still don't crash and get down, because i do, and when i do it's so ugly that i can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. i have an amazing support system and i know for a fact that without them i wouldn't be able to share this with you guys.

to my support system, olivia, angel, adrian, and pher: thank you guys for dealing with me for so long. i've always thought that we get to choose who our family is and i know deep in my heart that you all are my family. 

to olivia, you were there for me when i had nobody, you've seen me at my lowest of lows and you are always ready to run away with me while i sort out my shit and i am eternally grateful to have you in my life. i can't imagine what my life would be like now if we didn't sit next to each other in spanish class. i love you more than there are stars in the sky. 

to angelina, you, my dear friend, are the greatest sister anyone could ask for. thank you for trusting me with your secrets and thank you for letting me trust you with mine. i'm so thankful for the conversations we've had and the laughs we've shared. i'm forever thankful that you're still here with us, life without you would be boring and dull. i thank taylor every night for bringing you into my life and i'll make it to you if i have to crawl. i promise. i lava you to the moon and back babygril.

to adrian leigh michael scott ross, i LITERALLY can't begin to fathom life without you. you have brought so much joy into my life in the short period of time we've known each other. the plant may actually be hell on earth but it lead me to you and you to i. i'm so happy that i trained you and that we became best friends. i love you and the memories we have together, you've been there for every single downfall i've had with stupid ass people and you've helped talk me through dumb boys and emotions that were so stupid i should've just given up trying to reconcile them. thank you for keeping my head on my shoulders. you're the funniest person i'll ever meet and i'm honored to call you family.

to christopher, i know things have always been sort of rocky with us and especially this last year it was a big mess. you've talked me down from cliffs that i wasn't even aware i was climbing and you've talked me through so much. you have always been a rock in my life and you've done more for me than you know. i know that this last year really tested us but i'm glad we're still here and kicking. i can't wait to see what this year brings us. thank you for sticking around through it all. i love you.

to kimmie: thank you for supporting me and giving me pep talks even though we have known each other for literally a month. olivia o'brien is really out here making friendships. i'm so thankful that i met you, you are such a positive force. you truly are beautiful inside and out. please don't be so hard on yourself and don't let anyone tell you any different. you're amazing and i can't wait to see you.

to cameron: i'm so happy that you've read some of this and that you've been able to relate to it on a deeper level. i'm also sorry that you relate to it, i wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone but sadly that isn't how it works. thank you for meeting up with me at concerts and being so involved in my life, you're an amazing person who deserves the best and i'm so glad we met at the sabrina show. you're an angel and i hope you're doing well. i can't wait to see you at the next show!

to those of you who are silent supporters or read it without saying anything: thank you. your support means the world to me too. i'm glad you're enjoying the inner workings of my mind. i hope you aren't as harsh on yourself as i have been, you are all amazing and deserve nothing but the best things that the world has to offer. i love each and every one of you.

once more, i would like to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. since i started publishing this i've felt twenty times lighter, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. it closed doors that i hadn't realized i had left cracked. it's been insane how much of a turn it's been actually, my mental health has begun to get better too and it's something i wasn't expecting. just knowing i'm truly not alone with any of this has been amazing. i love you all.

it gets better.

"emotions are such a significant part of us and all we can do is name them.

we name them with such insignificant letters in hopes of justifying the feelings that they bring about."