Behind My Eyes.

3:30 in the morning.

it's nearly three-thirty in the morning and once again i find myself waking up in a cold sweat panicking and in a fit of anxiety.

i didn't know where i was when i woke up.

this isn't the first time this has happened and i doubt it will be the last.

you have caused me a lifetime of horror and trauma and i know you don't care and you're never going to read this and that is so beyond okay with me.

it took me a moment to come to my senses and realize where i was.

i am safe.

i am in my room and i am safe.

i'm in my room and my door is locked and i am safe.

i'm in my room, my door is locked, i'm in my own bed, and i am safe.

i'm in my room, my door is locked, i'm in my own bed, there is nobody in my bed but me and i am safe.

these are the words i will repeat to myself for the rest of my life because of the trauma that you have inflicted on me.

you're not here and you never will be again and i am safe.

i don't understand how this happened.

i did everything right and i followed my checklist.

i held onto the cold metal railing to ground myself to my room when i woke up.

i left the lights above the bed on so when i woke up i could easily see where i was.

i tucked myself into the blanket burrito so tight so you wouldn't be able to get in and hurt me again.

i did everything right.

so why am i sitting here crying because i thought i was back in the bed in jacksonville?

why, after all of that and all of this time, do i still think you're going to find me?

i know with your connections it wouldn't be hard to find me at all.

i think that's what scares me the most,

i know that at any time you could easily find me.

you know my name and what town i live in and one simple question to the right person would have you at my doorstep in a heartbeat.

i'd like to think that after a year you wouldn't bother and you'd have your sights set on someone else.

please don't hurt her as you did to me.

it's been a year and a half almost and i'm still so scared to sleep because you haunt my every dream and you're here when i'm awake.

it's three-thirty in the morning and even though i know i'm safe in my bed i can still feel your filthy hands all over me and holding me down and i can't breathe.

it's three-thirty in the morning and the sudden overwhelming urge to run away has made itself known again,

tomorrow i have to get out of here.

i can't keep doing this i need to reset.

how do i escape the hell that is my own mind?

it's three-thirty in the morning and i'm forced to once again visit my exit strategy and wimp out.

nobody's going to be home it'd be perfect!

i need to be done with this.

i don't know how many more nights i can take of this.

it's inevitable.

i wasn't built to survive something this horrendous.

it's three-thirty in the morning and you're leading me, hand in mine, straight to my grave.