Behind My Eyes.

childhood trauma.

i've spent quite a bit of time trying to come to terms with the way my upbringing has been.

as a child, i tried not to think about it too much because i had too much to worry about,

such as, what shenanigans will talia and i be getting up to today?

what snack am i gonna eat after school?

what movie should i watch while i do my homework?

now that i'm older i've tried to understand it.

in case you're new here allow me to break it down.

from the very beginning, i don't think i was wanted.

my mother left me with my grandparents when i was a baby and i was raised by them.

she moved in with my dad and his parents and left me behind.

then she had my sister who was able to live with them and not my grandparents and i.

it took her 2 years to realize she was ready to raise a child.

i don't know if leaving me behind was her idea or my dad's but i know that's where my abandonment issues stem from.

four years after leaving me they had my brother,

who was also kept with them.

i'm not trying to complain,

i had a fantastic upbringing.

i love my grandparents with every atom in my body and i owe so much to them.

i just wish i knew why i was left behind.

i was just a baby i don't think i did anything wrong.

my grandma told me that anytime my mom came over and then left i would stand by the window crying and screaming that i wanted to leave with her.

how could she just abandon me like that?

what did i do?

why didn't dad want me either?

my sister and brother went to the same preschool as me,

at the end of the day we'd all sit outside our classrooms and wait for our parents to get us.

and one day that my sister was there my dad was picking her up,

i was told years later that i said hi to him and stood up thinking he was there for me,

i was told years later that he walked right by me to get to my sister.

i don't think he ever wanted me either.

about a month after my eighth birthday everything i knew changed,

my grandma came into the room where i was watching movies with my friend and eating dinosaur chicken nuggets and turned on the news.

i remember it felt like some sort of weird dream.

there on the tv screen was my mom.

"what's mom doing on tv?", i had asked my grandma, extremely confused.

she told me why and i can't remember if i had cried or not.

i don't think i shed a single tear over my father's death.

why shed a tear over someone you barely knew?

i had seen my fair share of horror movies so i knew what the word murder was and what it had meant,

but when my grandma had told me that my mom had killed my dad it still took a bit to sink in.

i just couldn't see how she could do that.

i couldn't wrap my head around it.

my brother and sister then moved in with my grandparents and i,

and that was the hardest change of my life.

i started suffering from depression around this time too.

i remember the first time i went to visit her.

the jail was doing a family day where you could go down and color and take pictures,

it was surprisingly normal which i think was the intention because it was based on the kids coming to see family.

i still have the picture somewhere.

i didn't see her for a while after that because she was in a maximum security facility and my grandparents didn't want us to see her like that.

she was transferred to a smaller more relaxed facility in troy and that's when we started seeing her more often.

we tried to see her once a month because it was so close.

they had a family day too for good behavior.

once a year they had sort of a barbeque with games and dancing and face painting.

as awkward as that was i enjoyed it.

it seemed like a day in the park with mom.

even if we were never close i think she really tried to make up for it.

it's been fifteen years since it happened and i still don't know why she did it.

i don't really care anymore either.

it's not going to change anything.

she's in asheville now and she's set to come home in december.

it's so insane to think about.

after almost twenty years without her,

she'll be here with us.

she's going to meet my friends and watch scary movies with me.

is it strange that i'm oddly optimistic about this?

am i setting myself up for disappointment?

i hope things are different.