Behind My Eyes.

a ramble about hurt and hurricane florence.

i tried to take all of your hurt and make it my own.

i tried to free you from the thoughts in your head that tore you up late at night.

i tried to take your demons and put them on me to free you.

i tried to take every ounce of negative energy out of your life and deal with it for you.

i tried to put every burden of yours onto my shoulders to ease the weight on yours.

you had demons that you didn't deserve and i tried so damn hard to get rid of them for you.

i didn't realize that in the process i was losing myself.

i became a shell of a person filled with things that bothered you and it was smothering me.

it was like i didn't know how to exist if you weren't relying on me to help you.

i truly felt like i couldn't function without you.

i think you noticed that much.

that i lost myself, 

or that i wasn't really me anymore.

you were always great at picking up on things like that and i've never been able to understand it.

you didn't try to help me through it.

or maybe you thought you were helping when you left me.

you walked away like i was nobody to you,

like the numerous late-night calls had never happened, 

you acted as if i was just a stranger you had bumped into and you kept walking.

i wish it was harder for you to leave me.

i wish you found yourself getting attached to people.

i wish it had hurt you to leave me.

we were friends for a little over two years and we had been to hell and back during that time, 

and yet leaving had never seemed so easy.

i'm still here trying to make sense of it.

i'm spiraling.

i can't even listen to the artists that we both love.

it took me a year and a half to be able to listen to eden again,

and every time i hear something from the pray for the wicked album i can't help but think of you and i at that concert.

you live in every corner of my mind and i long for the day where i won't think of you.

when you first left me it was nearly impossible to function.

and every time i saw something funny my fingers itched to send it to you,

that urge has left me thankfully, though unwillingly, i have no way of getting in contact with you.

not that i'd really want to anymore.

at first, i did, for sure, to ask you where it all went wrong.

now i know that this was inevitable and there was nothing that i could have done to save us no matter how hard i tried.

i was always trying to save you from every negative thing that would ever come your way and for a really long time, i was successful.

you can't even deny that.

things didn't really ever get truly ugly in your life until her and hurricane florence.

i don't know what happened that week.

we went to the room as friends and everything after that felt off.

everyone in our group left that room a different person.

it's always me making sure everyone is okay and doing well.

nobody ever really checks up on me,

especially that week.

i was running on pure adrenaline trying to make sure that everyone was okay and not hurting themselves.

between you and her and our other friends who all seemed to have a crisis going on at the same time and putting everything on me,

i didn't have any energy left.

i was drowning in everyone's issues and i didn't have time to save myself.

the worst part is that not a single person noticed.

i took so many breaks sitting on the staircases outside of our apartment because i felt like i couldn't breathe.

i walked the building so many times just in an attempt to get away from it all.

now that week is long gone but i can still feel myself there.

i left part of myself in apartment a215.