Behind My Eyes.

one step forward, two steps back.

i've been talking about how i'm getting better but i don't know the extent of that.

mentally, sure, i'm doing better.

physically, yes, i suppose i am.

but i'm not sleeping again.

if i'm doing so well why am i not sleeping more than four hours a night?

why am i doing so poorly in that department?

i was doing so well and i was going to bed early and i was sleeping through the night and now i'm lucky if i only wake up twice during the four-hour span i'm asleep.

i don't know what changed...

now i'm staying up until six in the morning at least and eight-thirty at most.

i have work early in the day i can't afford to not be sleeping.

i don't know how to fix this.

any time i actually get some sleep it's nothing but nightmares and it's not even worth falling asleep.

why should i put myself through hell when i'm asleep on top of the demons i live with when i'm awake?

it doesn't make sense to me.

i just push through the waves of sleepiness until my body stops trying.

i know in the long run that's probably going to backfire on me but it's all i've got.

i just can't justify sleeping to myself.

other than the obvious mental changes that i can tell are happening i still feel exactly the same.

how does that happen?

i want so badly to be someone other than who i've been cursed with.

why did i have to be stuck like this?

i hope someday i'll be out of this weird sleep funk and not second guess sleeping.